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Dear Readers,
After almost 3 years of publication, this will be our last newsletter. For us, it's been a great way to communicate our latest news, thoughts, ideas and dreams about conquering body hatred and ending dieting. We've brought copies of the newsletter to speakouts, conferences, meetings, book signings, all sorts of events where it's been a great organizing tool.
Unfortunately, the number of subscriptions has never met the cost of production; we had hoped that after a few years, the newsletter would pay for itself. Literally and figuratively, we remain indebted to the person who helped float this venture. In addition, the newsletter is much more work than we'd anticipated. We thought that over time, more of you would want to write pieces to share with others and that the contents would become more communal, more of an exchange. Some of you did write in and we appreciate that. Recently, the online group has provided wonderful discussions. But it's just not enough. The work that falls on us, on Carol and Judith, and on the Jills at Jade has been too much. You've noticed how difficult it's been for us to get this to you on time! We're all on overload and can no longer handle the project. We're as committed as ever to building an anti-dieting movement and to raising consciousness about body hatred, but for now, we will have to find other ways to communicate.
We are hoping to publish a pamphlet (we're thinking annually, but not promising) about The Women's Campaign to End Body Hatred and Dieting. It will include "the best of the newsletter" as well as new pieces written by us and hopefully, as many of you as want to contribute. Please, please, feel free and encouraged to submit observations, anecdotes, letters, news and views to us c/o Jade Publishing on an ongoing basis. We're still here and we want to hear from you.
All our best and as always, hearty appetites!
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P.S. Look for When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies in paperback, in January, '97. We look forward to seeing/meeting many of you at the advanced workshops around the country (see Regional News & Announcements, page 3).
We are sad to see The Overcoming Overeating Newsletter suspend publication. It has been a project close to our hearts; we've learned a lot, found some good friends and have generally had fun producing it. Ultimately however, it takes more than heart to bring out a quality newsletter in a timely fashion.
Best regards,
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My sister Lisa and I were on our way home from a New York weekly workshop and we stopped to eat. During my eating experience, I checked in with my stomach and felt satisfied, but my mouth wanted to continue eating because the food tasted so good. I decided that I would ask for a take-out container and a plastic fork. I told myself that I would eat more of this delicious meal whenever I felt hungry for it again--in 10 minutes, 20 minutes, an hour, whenever.
As we were driving back to Philadelphia, I felt hungry and was delighted to eat more ziti. It tasted just as good as before and was enough to satisfy my hunger. A minute after eating the ziti, however, I reached for my food bag to get some chocolate even though I was already satisfied. I realized that I was looking for something sweet out of habit, without checking in with myself. So I said to my sister, "I'm checking to see if my internal caretaker is home." Lisa replied, "Is she?" I said, "Actually, yes she is." Lisa said, "Good. But if she'd been out, mine is home and could have come over if you'd needed her to!"
At 17, I made the first promise. On reflection, I can see that I was going through very rough times: I felt socially isolated at school, I had a lot of fights with my parents, growing up was not easy! And then I found Richard Simmons' book. His story touched my heart and his magic promise -- weight loss through dieting -- was the perfect distraction. I promised myself to lose weight. I got so involved with the eating plan and the body thoughts that "poof," all my other problems seemed to disappear. I lost weight; I was in seventh heaven, but not for long. Soon enough, my old feelings of fear, loneliness and anger returned stronger than ever.
At 26, again I promised myself to lose weight. I was a single, working woman, far away from home, living with a roommate who had a boyfriend. My friend next door also had a boyfriend; my girlfriend at work had a boyfriend as well. I was alone. Then I found the perfect companion -- Ultra Slim Fast®! A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and the pounds dropped at an alarming rate. My girlfriends praised and envied me. But they still had their boyfriends and I was still alone.
At 29, once again I promised myself that I would lose weight. I was married, I had some really good friends, I had 2 cats and a dog, and I still felt lonely, isolated, sad, and angry at the world. What was wrong with me? Everyone was talking about how diets don't work. Certainly, my own experience proved that. According to the T Factor Diet and Stop the Insanity, the low-fat lifestyle is a change in eating habits leading to a gradual weight loss, not a diet. I signed on. A few months later, I was binging on real ice cream and high fat everything. I felt like a complete failure. A relative recommended the Overcoming Overeating approach and gave me the book to read. Again, a glimmer of hope and again, I promised myself I would lose weight.
Now, I'm a few months into the approach. I've spent much of that time kicking and screaming and resisting. It's been very hard for me to accept the ideas when there is no promise of how much weight I will lose (if any) in what period of time. In fact, as I began legalizing and stocking, I gained weight.
But I have made a remarkable discovery. I have found that I have a loving, supportive and caring mommy inside of me. The idea that I could be my own good caretaker touched a deep need in me that before, I had never addressed. I need to be accepted and loved unconditionally. For the first time in my life, I am able to talk to myself without name calling, without anger and hate and disgust. I am learning that I am scared and anxious and in a lot of pain, and for the first time in my life, I accept those feelings with gentleness and compassion. I know I have a lot of issues to address and I have a feeling it's going to be a long and difficult process. But my new mommy is making a whole set of different promises to me. She promises to be there for me during the hard times. She promises to remind me to talk to myself gently when I'm scared and need to turn to food for comfort. And she promises never to yell, always to love and accept me even if I never lose an ounce!
I have been using the Overcoming Overeating approach for about three years, very successfully. On March 8, '96, I was diagnosed with Diabetes II (too much insulin spilling over). The doctor told me I had to go on a DIET. Crying the whole time, I began explaining that I had promised my little girl that I would never go on a diet. The doctor asked me, "What little girl?" and said, "Please calm down." I explained the OO approach to her and she suggested I see the nutritionist the next day. The doctor told me we would try it my way for three months and if it did not work, we were going to do things her way. The way she saw it, she was responsible for getting my sugar down. However, I was and am REAL clear that it is totally my responsibility. She heard me when I said I was not getting on the scale because my sugar level needed to come down, not necessarily my weight.
I went home, picked up a past OO newsletter and found the phone numbers of two dieticians familiar with this approach. I picked the woman who had two names, like I do (Marianne Evans-Ramsey). I called her and was so relieved when she agreed that the sugar level was my responsibility to bring down. She gave me specific instructions about how to gather information about my diabetes in an ongoing way, how to note how the foods I ate affected my sugar level. All of a sudden I had some mastery over what was happening to me; I simply checked my sugar level four times a day. I noticed that at certain times, certain foods affected me differently than at other times. Then I was able to make choices about whether I would risk raising my sugar or not. It was similar to observing mouth hunger and stomach hunger, choosing based on the information I have about myself at a particular time.
Soon, from observing myself, I knew the difference between a sugar level of 282 and a sugar level of 113. I didn't know that before; I didn't have the information. I can now tell my sugar level without checking the glaucometer, but I still check. Now I speak to Marianne once a month instead of once a week. I have also changed doctors. I've found one who is committed to my health and understands that I am a patient who has taken responsibility for her own diabetes. His job is to give me information concerning the tissues affected and the level of my diabetes. He is convinced that whatever this approach is, I should continue it. He and Marianne are in communication. He does not ask me to get on the scale; weight is never discussed, only my diabetes. He is committed to my not having to go on medication or insulin and so am I.
I have two professional partners who are assisting me to control my diabetes with food and without dieting. I am so grateful for this work. IT WORKS.
P.S. Recently, I decided to hire a personal trainer to assist me with body movement and teach me how to use the equipment I see in the gym. He immediately told me how he would give me assistance with my diet. I explained to him that I was hiring him solely for the purpose of body movement. I thanked him for his willingness to provide me with information, but informed him that it was not necessary because I do not diet nor will I ever diet. I also informed him that I am diabetic and in the process of gathering information about how body movement as well as food affects my sugar level. I requested that he assist me in learning about body movements that would lower my sugar level. He was delighted; he even called me two days later to see how I was feeling. We've begun our twice weekly routine and I am having a great time.
I have learned that I can stand up for myself without taking away the other person's dignity or opportunity to contribute to me. Once again, when it is clear to ME that the issue is not my weight, my conversations with others reflect that. Regardless of what the culture says, I'm clear about what I say. Today, I listen to myself and trust myself.
It is with great sorrow that we write our last column for the Overcoming Overeating newsletter. We have welcomed the opportunity to put our thoughts and experience into writing during the past several years, and hope that you, our readers, have benefited from our ideas. We would like to leave you with some final comments about an aspect of Overcoming Overeating that seems to pose obstacles to even the most experienced of non-dieters.
Many of you have become very good demand feeders. You eat when you are hungry, choose what you want, and stop when you are full. Yet you find that your matchmaking is often slightly "off track". Sometimes it's a subtle mismatch and other times it's quite pronounced. Your comments range from, "It wasn't quite what I wanted" to "It tasted great, but now I'm having indigestion," and frequently, "Nothing ever sounds good to me."
Fine tuning demand feeding raises some important and complicated questions:
1. Have you truly legalized all foods?
2. Are you able to be honest with yourself about your body's reaction to different foods?
3. Does taking good care of yourself in this way stir up old issues for you?
4. What does it mean to you to truly give up your identity as a compulsive eater?
Let's begin with the first question. Have you legalized all foods? Although you have legalized your formerly forbidden foods have you remembered to supply yourself with a wide range of foods? You may be eating from stomach hunger but do you seem to want your old "glitter" foods most of the time? Perhaps you've neglected to bring in a wider variety of foods. If you crave fruit or a salad and it isn't available, you will naturally reach for whatever is around. Why aren't these other "non-glitter" foods in the house? "You know," said a woman in one of our Chicago groups, "the last diet I was on, I ate nothing but fruit until noon. Then, of course, by late afternoon, I'd be binging. I haven't been eating fruit because it had too much diet meaning to me. So even though I haven't been feeling good eating the foods I've been choosing, I haven't been ready to eat fruit again." Getting beyond the "diet" connotation of carrots, apples, cottage cheese, lettuce, etc. is as important as legalizing formerly forbidden foods. Only then can you say when you are hungry, "Of all the foods in the world, what would really satisfy me right now?"
Are you ready to take all of you body's needs into account when you choose food? If ice cream causes your gall bladder to act up, but you stay away from sorbet because it feels "dietlike", are you taking good care of yourself? "Just because my mouth wants ice cream doesn't mean the rest of my body feels good with that choice. Being in pain enough times after eating ice cream made me think twice about the kind of matching I was doing." We hear over and over again from women who are truly free from compulsive eating, "When I make a choice, I take everything about myself into account &endash; how I will feel eating the food, whether it tastes exactly right, and how I may feel after I eat it." In summary, if we eat cottage cheese when we want a cheeseburger, we tend to overeat. If we eat a cheeseburger when we want cottage cheese, we overeat as well.
The third question: Does taking care of yourself in this way stir up old issues for you? Preparing foods ahead of time or ordering in quantity from a restaurant or store, carrying a food bag, eating exactly what you want when you are hungry &endash; all these behaviors have specific meaning for each of you using the OO approach. For a variety of reasons having to do with family histories and the meaning of food, body size and self-care, you may have difficulty doing the mechanical activities that promote finely tuned demand feeding. We find that many of the conflicts around self-care have to do with separation from the past, i.e. from your role in the family or perhaps your relationship with various family members, or the meaning that delicious, bountiful food had to you growing up.
Our experiences vary. One woman, whose mother has know about her daughter's Overcoming Overeating work for close to two decades, told us the following story. One night during a visit to her mother's home she was getting herself something to eat. Her mother asked, "Can't you wait to eat until everyone else arrives?" The daughter paused, full of intense feeling, ready for a standoff. She'd heard her mother's request as more than a simple question about whether she could wait to eat. It felt like a demand to conform to her mother's wishes and this no longer felt okay with her. She looked at her mother and softly said, "No, Mom, I can't."
Separation issues from our families of origin often get in the way of fine-tuning the mechanics of our Overcoming Overeating work. This is why, by the way, many women experience a sense of loss or melancholy (as well as exhilaration) as they begin to outgrow the need for food when they are not hungry.
Finally, what does it mean to you to outgrow your identity as a compulsive eater? One woman poignantly commented, "I know that I am holding onto a few last glitter foods. I'm not ready to give up the glitter altogether; something feels very empty when I think about having absolutely no glitter foods in my life." Another woman stated, "I still need something to glitter for the times when I just don't want to sit with my feelings." Another common scenario goes like this: "Each time I get hungry I hear myself say, 'You can have whatever you want!' But as I listen to that voice, it's a defiant one -- as if it's answering another voice that has already said, 'You really shouldn't have that!'" Women who have this struggle may already be quite sophisticated demand feeders: they feel calmer around food, significantly more comfortable in their bodies, stronger within themselves and with others in terms of managing their feelings and identifying needs. Yet they are aware of a subtle, constant level of rebellion. They reach for foods which may not be good matches because it is still important to prove to whomever told them that they "shouldn't have it" or " don't need it" that they can and will eat as they choose. Unfortunately, the rebellion takes on a life of its own.
When you hold onto a few glitter foods or eat as a form of subtle rebellion, you remain enmeshed in the persona of a compulsive eater. Although it is true the compulsive eating has been an extremely painful experience for most of us, one woman captured a common dilemma when she said to her group. "I just don't quite know who I am if I am not either a compulsive eater or working on the issue."
If you find yourself subtly resisting good matchmaking and complete non-dieting, think about what troubles you about ending the obsession with food and body hatred, and think about whether you are ready to nudge yourself gently to explore these issues. Think about taking the final steps towards living life in a different way and developing a richer identity in which food and body size are no longer issues to be dealt with all the time. Remember that if parts of your identity are connected to your involvement in the non-diet and/or size acceptance movements, you can maintain these connections even if you end your own preoccupation with food and weight issues.
Each time you make a good match with stomach hunger, you make a statement to yourself: I am person with unique desires. This is a forceful statement for a woman in this culture to make. As you take good care of yourself with your eating you start claiming your right to be a woman in this world, free of the language of body hatred and dieting, telling the truth to yourself about what you feel and think, and speaking out directly to others.
Wishing you all the best,
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If you want to stay aware of events in the Chicago area, join our mailing list by calling 847-853-1200. We remain available by mail or telephone. We continue to provide workshops, lectures, individual and group counseling and professional consultation.
In Search of Radiance
I know it is there inside of me, the radiance. It is my heart and soul buried beneath years of pleasing others. Don't laugh too loud, it's not feminine. Don't be angry, people won't like you. Don't not be angry at some slight I wanted to forgive, because people would walk all over me. Don't move like that, you're too big. Cover, hide the soft curves. Don't do anything that will make you less attractive to men. Don't do anything to give your "friends" a reason to reject you. Don't do anything different from the rest. Don't have any secrets. Don't, don't, don't, a thousand don't. Don't let the radiance out, for you will shine too brightly, be too serene, be too silly, be too childish, be too selfish, and no one will appreciate your radiance. I occasionally catch glimpses of my radiance. Driving in my car I hear an old song and sing along with such soul that it amazes even me. Playing in the ocean waves, for one brief moment I feel the freedom. I laugh at the comedian's jokes, of course not the ones about fat people, but I laugh and the sound of my laughter feels good. It was silent for too long. It's there in the flirting with my colleague. It's there when I listen to my students and let them know how much I care. It's there when I listen to the Italian music that stirs some deep pride in the heritage I know so little about but that is part of me. It's there when I hold my dog fast asleep in my arms. It's there when I swim and play in the water with a grace I don't have on land. I know it is there inside of me, the radiance. It's burning to get out, crying to be freed, longing to be loved. I am beginning the long hard task of clearing away the walls and the fear. When I am done, I will shine so brightly that you will see my radiance. I will shine so brightly that I will see my radiance. I long for the day when I will see and feel and hear and touch and live my radiance. But for now, my radiance waits and grows. |
as published in Writing for Our Lives, 1993  |
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The day after I returned from the Spa workshop in June, I was trying on gowns in a women's clothing store. The saleswoman, who happened to be the owner, was helping me. I narrowed the choice to two gowns and was trying to decide between them. I knew which I preferred, but I didn't like the way the boob area fit. As I was looking in the mirror trying to figure out if a different bra would make a difference, the owner said, "I think you look thinner in the other gown anyway."
I took a deep breath and said, "I realize you think the goal is for me to look thin, but actually, I'm not in the looking thin business anymore." She was very apologetic, responding, "I'm sorry. I just thought you looked better in the other gown. I didn't mean to offend you. Let me see if someone else can help you."
A very nice saleswoman came over and found a bra that made the dress more comfortable. I had the gown pinned for alterations and got ready to leave, planning to pick it up the next day.
As I was at the counter paying, the owner walked over and said, "Oh, which gown did you choose?" I said, "The one I liked originally. We found a bra that worked better." She replied, "Oh, you'll look just fine in it. Just put on control top panty hose to hold you in and smooth you out."
I stopped signing the credit card slip mid-signature, took another deep breath and said, "I understand that you think I need control top panty hose in order to look held in and smooth; I used to think that way as well. But I no longer believe that I need to look smooth and held in and I'm quite comfortable with or without panty hose. I know that we live in a culture that teaches women not to accept their natural body shapes, but I'm trying not to be controlled by that belief system anymore."
She stared at me with a blank look and said, "I'm soooo sorry, I just meant that...(blah, blah, blah)" I nodded, paid for the gown, and said goodbye.
When I got in the car, I felt really good about having spoken up for myself; I also felt sure that I didn't want to buy the gown from that store. So I called the owner and told her that I was very unhappy about my experience in the store and that I wanted them to put the dress back on the rack and tear up my credit card slip. The owner apologized again and said that she hadn't realized what she was really saying when she was giving advice about the gown. She went on to say that she was going to pay more attention to what she says to women in the future and to what it implies. She told me that she hopes she can earn my business back some day. She will. I think finally, she was able to hear me.
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At the spa workshop, I heard the statement, "All bodies are equally interesting and lovely." I didn't understand what that meant until the last night there when our evening workshop took place in the pool.
When I arrived at the pool that night, most of the women were already in the water, in a big circle, holding hands. Some wore bathing suits, many weren't wearing anything. I got in and joined the circle. The water was warm and there were scented leaves and flowers in the pool and candles around the edges.
In the circle, we talked about what being at the spa had meant to each of us. It wasn't about learning to eat in a different way, although that was part of it. It was about learning to treat ourselves better and to view ourselves with more compassion and love. It was also about learning to inhabit our bodies more completely and about learning to like them, as they are now.
After we'd each spoken, we swam around for awhile. Then some of the women got out of the pool. More and more followed. As I watched all these women emerge from the water, I began to understand the statement, "All our bodies are equally interesting and lovely." Each body I saw was extremely beautiful. In some ways they were the same and in other ways, each different. Seeing all these lovely and interesting bodies taught me something that I'd never thought I could believe: Beauty, even outer beauty, is not a matter of size, muscle tone or firmness.
Is it possible to use the OO approach and still hold onto the idea of losing weight? The online group has discussed this many times over the past several months, and we found that many of us struggle with this issue. Here are some of the ideas we shared about...
Marian: It seems that in an effort to accept ourselves at whatever weight we're at, there's almost been a subtle put-down of wanting to be thin or weigh less. I think I look and feel better weighing less than I presently weigh. The OO books even say that accepting our weight as it is doesn't mean that we have to like it!
Donna: I, too, wonder at the put-downs of wanting to lose some weight. I agree that losing weight wouldn't make me a better person, but it would make me a more comfortable person!
Liz: I really don't think anyone is putting down thin(ner) as a way for a body to be; however, I do think that it can't be a goal if we're trying to use the OO approach. Accepting ourselves as we are is very difficult when the world quite often tells us not to. Everyone struggles with the desire to be thinner, the urge to diet, etc. I just know that I can no longer say I will accept myself as I am -- but that I should still be smaller because I will look better, be in better shape, etc. This idea has kept me binging my way through life. I am fed up with living with this idea!
Jacki: There is nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight to be more "comfortable!" The problem is when it's because of appearance or trying to conform -- or if it becomes all-consuming. It's also a problem if you don't accept yourself because of this desire. I don't feel anyone's putting anyone down for wanting to lose weight. It's just that OO's main goal is not to lose weight -- it's to make peace with food and our bodies. When this happens, weight loss is sometimes a side effect, and we may, in time, return to our "natural weight." Sure, it would be nice to be a little smaller as far as comfort and mobility go, but I can't allow myself to make weight loss a goal. As soon as I do that, I end up binging and obsessing about food and weight again!
Laurie: I agree that trying to lose weight may not be the healthiest attitude. I think that if you are moving when you want and you are eating what your body wants, and you are losing weight, fine. If you are happy about that, fine. If you are turning OO into a diet, not so fine. The whole point of OO is acceptance. I don't love my body the way it is, but I don't hate my body the way it is. It just is. For me, acceptance has been the key to happiness. I accept my body the way it is. I accept that it may change. I accept that it may never change. It doesn't mean you can't wish you were smaller, but if that wish is filling your days and nights, then you might need to rethink things!
Stacey: This thought just occurred to me after reading some of your posts on this subject: "Natural weight" -- what does that really mean? Is there any such thing as "unnatural" weight?! Please excuse the slight tongue-in-cheek aspect of this comment, but are any of us unnatural? My body is the size it is as a result of all I have eaten, all my mouth hunger, stomach hunger, diets, exercise, binges, etc. None of these events are unnatural -- they just are. We can't assume that weight loss comes from "doing OO right" -- just as we can't assume that weight gain comes from "not doing OO right".
Katy: I don't mind that people want to lose weight. I wish that our society didn't value it so much, but I can't blame someone for wanting to feel better or "fit in." In my experience, I felt much worse emotionally when I have been thin because it's such a struggle to maintain a small body. I accept that some people will lose weight if they follow this approach; however, the pit that I fell into with this type of thinking, is that this approach is the way to lose weight. I think these are two very different things. My previous thinking that if I ate only when hungry and stopped when I was full led me straight into "diet mentality." As long as there is a condition on my eating, it is just another diet which has an associated binge. Only after giving myself permission to eat whenever I want, did I reach the point that I notice stomach hunger and mouth hunger and can respond to them accordingly.
Jacki: I agree totally with Katy! The only reason people have spoken up when they see someone focusing on weight loss is because we know that focusing on weight loss will cause you to FAIL with the OO approach and will hinder your progress in curing your compulsive eating! It's not that having a "desire" to lose weight or even having lost weight is "bad" or "forbidden" or anything else! However, making weight loss the goal of the OO approach is a sure way to end up staying stuck in the "diet/binge" cycle and then blaming OO for not working!
Kelly: In order for the OO approach to work for me, I needed to give up the idea of losing weight completely. With that idea still stuck in my head, I would continue to judge food as "good" or "bad" and not completely legalize it. I also needed to accept my body in the here and now. "Future living" is self sabotaging for most people. You may start off with the idea that "I want to lose weight so I feel better, more comfortable, etc." -- but it can (and usually does) quickly turn into bad body thoughts and fat-talk, which keeps the cycle of compulsive eating and body hatred alive. There's a difference between wanting to lose weight and losing weight as a side effect of doing OO. The first keeps us in "deprivation mode" and the other just happens automatically.
Laurie: Well, I will absolutely not go back to that place again where weight loss is an issue. It was slowly killing me and destroying those around me. I believe that, as long as you want to lose weight, you can never be truly satisfied with what you have. I followed the OO principles, without question, and have now reached this level of acceptance. I truly don't think dieting has a place here. If you want to ask how I reached this point -- great. If you want me to say that weight loss as a goal can fit into the OO approach, I will say "no." OO is about acceptance, not dieting. As long as losing weight is considered a "good thing," acceptance will never come.
Okay, we've talked about the desire to lose weight. But what about the flip side of the coin -- the fear of gaining weight? Many in the online group have said things like, "I can accept myself like I am now -- but what if I gain even more weight?" How do we get over...
Jacki: For me, the solution was to make my weight a "non-issue" -- something that was neither "good" nor "bad" -- just "neutral." This didn't come easily, but it was the key to my freedom! Chances are, that if you've been involved in dieting prior to using the OO approach, you will gain some weight before you start stabilizing and then possibly losing weight. The best advice I could give you is to try to stop even thinking about weight! This takes practice, but just try to make weight something very nonchalant and unmeaningful. The reason I'm suggesting this is because, in order to really reap the benefits of OO, you have to lose that fear of weight gain. It's society that puts so much emphasis on weight, and we don't have to buy into that anymore! Also, try to incorporate the idea that "Whatever happens with my weight is no longer any of my business! It's up to my body now!"
Kent: My experience has been that the set-point theory has a lot of validity. The body chooses a certain weight, which it defends vigorously. The benefits of OO for me have included improved peace of mind, not worrying about what I eat much any more, not worrying about my weight as much, and not weighing myself nearly as often. I will no longer put my happiness on hold because of my weight. It isn't exactly a "non-issue" yet, but it's getting close!
Kelly: For me, weight gain came as a result of legalizing food and legalizing the feeding of all hunger without beating myself up for it. However, I've freed my body to be whatever size it wants to be. I'm totally okay with going up in size, but going down sends me into a panic! Being smaller is still connected to a time in my life that I was "small," vulnerable, and unable to take care of myself. I'm doing some work in this area to try to end the "panic" cycle I get into whenever I start to lose weight. "Notice, not judge" is a two-way street -- but it seems I'm only okay going one-way!
Marsha: Has it occurred to anyone else that just about everyone gains weight when they use the OO approach? It's so frustrating since this is the opposite of what we've been looking for all of our lives! Does anyone have any theories or comments on this phenomenon?
Jacki: Well, has it occurred to you that just about everyone who goes on a DIET gains weight too?! People are so quick to blame OO for weight gain. I truly believe that OO helps us not to gain as much weight as we might otherwise gain due to the rebound from our dieting! The initial weight gain is usually weight we would've gained anyway! So let's not blame OO for something diets did to us!
Marsha: I definitely agree with you here! In fact, OO has been such a gift in my life. When I follow the program, it is the only time I don't obsess or binge. I just thought it was interesting how many people talk about gaining weight.
Jennifer: I threw out my scale years ago, but I did get weighed at the doctor's office last year. When I went back to the doctor this year, even though I told the nurse not to tell me my weight, she let it slip. In one year's time of using the OO approach, I have not gained or lost 1 ounce! What I like about letting go of the scale and other means of telling ourselves that we don't measure up is that I can now see so many other things about me that I like. It's very freeing! Before I found OO, I was so frustrated about how much weight I'd gained in recent years. Now, I have so many other ways in which to "see" myself, that the weight in pounds, kilograms, etc., is kind of insignificant!
Marianne: Well, I discovered recently that I've gained more weight than I thought I had. I weighed myself last week, which I haven't done in about a year. I was mortified, because I'd gained more than I thought, and it really got me down. I was even tempted to go out and buy a scale so I could monitor my weight more closely. I know that thinking will backfire, and I subsequently talked myself out of it -- but I'm feeling down since I haven't made as much progress using this approach as I thought I had, and I've been working this program for a long time! Help!
Jennifer: The first thing that pops into my mind is the term "progress" and how it's measured. I think we're so used to having ourselves measured by the scale that we forget to see ourselves in other ways. I'm betting you have garnered success from the OO approach that has nothing to do with weight! This might be the ability to be around food when you're not hungry and being able to deal with it in your own way, the ability to clean your closet of clothing that "yells" at you, the ability to see yourself in the continuum of your heritage, etc. For me, things like these are very important and have nothing to do with the scale. The pounds, kilograms, inches, etc., are only one, small measure -- there are so many other wonderful things about us that we have no "measuring stick" for.
Mindy: I also would ask what exactly do you mean by "progress"? I ask this because my definition of this word is starting to change. For example, today I heard a woman say, "I've had some recovery around my eating issues -- I've lost 50 pounds." The little voice in my head quickly said, "That's not recovery." I no longer believe that weight loss is equal to progress. I believe that self-acceptance is equal to progress -- including self-acceptance about our lack of self-acceptance! Another woman recently said that she'd become so unconcerned about her weight that she was surprised to discover she'd gone down a couple of clothes sizes! She felt "ho-hum" about the whole thing! I'm really beginning to feel that that is real "progress!"
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"When I watch TV and see those poor, starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Pop diva Mariah Carey, on World Entertainment News Network
© Copyright 1996, The National Center for Overcoming Overeating
Contributors retain all rights to their work. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without written permission from the National Center for Overcoming Overeating, P.O. Box 1257, Old Chelsea Station, New York, NY 10113-0920.
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