|
|
|
|
|
|
Dear Readers,
Our new book, When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies, will be in the bookstores late this month and we're ready to go with The Women's Campaign to End Body Hatred and Dieting. We're excited and we're hopeful. This April marks twenty-five years since Carol started the first anti-dieting group. It is sobering to realize that twenty-five years after that initial group, a campaign focused on body hatred and the ills of dieting is still a radical undertaking, bound to meet with opposition.
Speaking of opposition, have you heard that Dr. C. Everett Koop, who led the antismoking campaign, has now called for a Shape Up America! crusade, endorsed by the White House? Just when Americans are considering the possibility that diets really don't work, the government is going to breathe new life into a floundering diet industry by endorsing a campaign against fat! According to the literature, the campaign advocates only small losses of weight and a bit more exercise--not a diet, you understand, just a "lifestyle change." Haven't we heard that one before? The backers of the campaign--Weight Watchers International(tm) and Heinz(tm) (the owner of Weight Watchers) among them--each will contribute a million dollars to the effort. Can't imagine why! The campaign seems to be based on the idea that obese people are responsible for rising health care costs, a variation on the theme that welfare mothers are responsible for the national debt.
On the positive side, we were delighted to be part of a coalition of size-acceptance/antidieting groups at a press conference held immediately after Koop's White House press conference on December 6th. NAAFA convened the conference, joined by the Council on Size and Weight Discrimination, AHELP, and The National Center for Overcoming Overeating. We prepared a statement which you'll find reprinted on page 4 and Jane spoke. The conference got network coverage that afternoon and evening.
Interestingly, after a lot of initial hoopla, the Shape Up America! campaign seems not to have sparked much interest. Could it be the media realizes we've heard it all before? But keep your eyes and ears open. Koop promises lots of education and retail tie-ins. Hard to believe that he really thinks the problem is a lack of information about diet and exercise! Clearly, the diet industry is not ready to call it quits and is willing to spend millions to keep its billions. Already the ads for Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers are sporting Shape Up America! seals.
If Koop was looking for a project, we wish he'd gone to work for us instead. We certainly could use his expertise and some of that money he's raising. Do you think he'd be interested in making a bet? Who will be in better shape a year from now? The women who join the Campaign to End Body Hatred and Dieting or the draftees of the Shape Up America! crusade?
Of course, we're always disappointed at a new wave of fat phobia and dieting mania. Disappointed, but not surprised. As we wrote When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies, we began to understand more profoundly just how deep the problem of body hatred really goes and how strong both the external and internal resistance is to overcoming it. It's not enough to understand that diets don't work; a woman needs to cure the body hatred that makes her susceptible to the siren call of diets in the first place. To do that, she must challenge all the ideas she's internalized about the place of women in the world. Quite an undertaking!
Our term for the body-hating, body-bashing syndrome that so many women suffer is "Bad Body Fever." In our new book, we discuss its symptoms, etiology and cure. We also explore all the resistances women encounter--in the world and within themselves--as they attempt to do away with dieting and become good demand feeders. Many readers of Overcoming Overeating have requested more information about mouth hunger and how to handle the feelings that prompt it. We've tried to provide it. We're eager for your reactions.
We're finalizing the plans for the opening phase of The Women's Campaign to End Body Hatred and Dieting. In this issue, you'll find the schedule for the March, 1995 speakouts and an insert containing campaign materials. In March, we'll be traveling to 10 cities, presenting our perspective on ending body hatred and dieting. At every speakout, we will have open microphones for women to speak up about these issues. We hope to meet many of you at these events.
If you live in or near a city where a speakout is being held and you can help to publicize it, distribute leaflets, or organize for it in any way, please call us at 1-800/299-0577. We'd appreciate any help you can offer. The campaign materials are yours to use as you see fit. If you want more campaign packets or have ideas about the campaign, please get in touch.
After these initial speakouts, our next campaign event will be on May 6th, International No-Diet Day. We're calling on women to do a Spring Cleaning that day, to clear their closets of all the clothing that no longer fits, and to donate it to a battered women's shelter or an organization for the homeless. We're starting to organize the Spring Cleaning event in New York, Chicago, Houston, and Boston. We're looking for organizations to take the clothes, arranging for places women can bring their donations, and thinking about how to raise consciousness around the event and draw attention to it. We hope that women at the speakouts will join in organizing a Spring Cleaning event in their communities and that some of you will participate as well. Call or write to the newsletter with questions, suggestions, and reports.
And come June, we'll be on our way to the weeklong workshop at Lake Austin Spa Resort (June 4-11), hopefully along with many of you. If you want to know what happens When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies, there's no better way to find out than to attend the workshop. For one week, we create an entirely different culture--no body judgments, no food rules, no talk about diets, no hatred of fat. From what past attendees tell us, the effects are undeniable and lasting. Once you live a wonderful week without body hatred and dieting, you're ready and willing to do everything you can to recreate that reality in your life. For more infor-mation or to talk to someone who has participated in the workshop, please call 212/875-0442.
Our other news is that we're expanding. We're delighted to welcome Karen Carrier and Kathy White as directors of The Houston Center for Overcoming Overeating and Barbara Ganzer and Cheryl Juba as directors of The New England Center for Overcoming Overeating. Statements from each group appear in this issue.
Last but not least, we are celebrating the one year anniversary of this newsletter. Volume 2, Number 1 is a milestone for us and for Carol Grannick and Judith Matz of the Chicago Center. Slowly but surely, with a lot of help from the Jills at Jade, we're getting into the groove of quarterly publication and we're enjoying the chance to share our ideas with you every few months. We have one request: Please, please let us hear from more of you more often.
We began the newsletter because we wanted to create a forum for an exchange of views on nondieting and living without body hatred. Please write, call, or e-mail, and tell us how you are doing with non-dieting. What works? What doesn't? What do you notice about body hatred? Would you like us to interview you? We're eager for your observations and your questions.
We are looking forward to meeting many of you as we travel around in March and when we go to Lake Austin in June. We wish all of you a great New Year and, as always, hearty appetites.
One evening in our weekly workshop, a participant named Marion came in with a dilemma. "I'm getting married in two weeks and I'm in a panic. I'm afraid I won't fit into my gown; I have to wear a girdle and I don't want to wear one; I hate the idea of a video being made of the event; and basically, I don't want to be on display. Oh, my god, what did I get myself into?" It was clear to the group that Marion was having a run of bad body thoughts. She was preoccupied with these thoughts to the exclusion of much more important issues. But what were those issues?
We asked her to tell us about her dress. She told us that she'd bought it last year and that she loved it. She had chosen a size too big, figuring she would be most comfortable in a dress that did not cling to her body. But when she went for her last fitting, the dress clung to her body. The dressmaker insisted that the dress was meant to fit that way and said that she thought Marion looked beautiful in it. Marion knew she had gained some weight; she also knew that she did not want the dress to fit this way. But she was unable to say, "Let the dress out. I'm more comfortable with a looser fit." Instead, she decided she'd wear a girdle. Of course, the girdle would pinch her all night and she would feel punished for gaining weight. More important, she would feel punished for whatever thoughts and feelings were underneath her bad body thoughts.
Marion explained to the group that her future mother-in-law had hired a photographer to make a video of the wedding. Marion had been unable to say that she didn't want one made. Instead, she focused on her fat and how she didn't want anyone to see her this way.
The group asked Marion to put aside her bad body thoughts for a moment and think about what else about her upcoming marriage might be bothering her. She said, "Everything else is fine, uh, good. Oh, that's not true. I feel upset. I'm very worried about money. I've always made enough money on my own to feel loose about what I spend. But I make more money than my fiancé and he's always asking what I'm spending my money on and why. I don't want to report to anyone about what I spend. I'm feeling very pinched at the moment. I want to go to the Spa in June when you hold your Overcoming Overeating weeklong seminar, and I don't want to have to account to anyone about the money."
Marion begin to realize that the pinched feeling she had about the girdle and her tight dress represented the constraints she was feeling about her marriage. Her loose dress represented the way she liked to deal with money. Marion had been afraid to address this issue within herself and with her fiancé. She said that her thoughts about wanting to control her money made her feel ungenerous.
As long as Marion stayed focused on her discomfort with her body, she could avoid the issue that was making her anxious and needed her attention. As we talked about it, she saw that she was letting other people make her decisions about what to wear and when to be photographed, much like she was letting her fiance determine how she should spend her money.
In the discussion, it became evident to Marion that raising the issue of money with her fiancé was going to be difficult. Although the group had a lot of suggestions about various ways of handling money in a marriage, Marion feared that her fiancé would not like what she had to say. It was clear to all of us that Marion was having trouble accepting the part of herself that needed to go slowly about the issue of shared finances and perhaps about sharing in other ways as well. After all, marriage represents a huge life change that includes many conflicts as well as pleasures. As Marion finally said, "I guess I'm worried about whether being together means losing my own voice. If I see things one way and he has a different point of view, will we be able to come to some agreement?"
Raising such concerns with a partner involves taking a risk--one that is vital to the survival of the relationship. Bad body thoughts camouflage our innermost thoughts and feelings and keep us from dealing with the real problems that need our attention. Under the pressure of her conflict, Marion forgot the adage: a bad body thought is never about your body. After the workshop, she was in a much better position to take charge of her wedding and to take care of an issue that had been eating away at her for some time.
Shape up America? Haven't we been living with that campaign for decades now? We've heard all the suggestions. We've made endless resolutions to eat less and exercise more. What have the results been?
Now we're to be subjected to an advanced Shape Up Campaign with consumer materials, ongoing advertising, TV specials, books, videos, newsletters and most importantly "retail tie-in programs." What's new in Dr. Koop's proposal? Absolutely nothing. Shape Up America is a government sponsored diet program backed by the likes of Weight Watchers International and the Heinz Foundation. (Watch what you're eating, government is watching.) Each sponsor will give a million dollars to the campaign and make how much back?
Wake up America! We don't need anyone to tell us when, what, or how much to eat. Or how to move our bodies. Or how to look. We are not suffering from a lack of information. We have complied with all the rules, all the diets, over and over again, and to what end? We've become a nation of food junkies. When 95% of dieters regain their lost weight plus some, where's the problem? With the dieter or the diet? It's time to take the evidence seriously and say, "No more."
Diets--no matter how cleverly disguised or how few pounds they tell us to lose--never work. Human beings hate scarcity; we particularly hate being told that we're unacceptable the way we are. We become sullen, depressed, and stubborn. What does work to improve physical and mental well-being? Swearing off diets and body hatred forever. And what do we do after we say, "No more"? We undo the considerable damage caused by dieting, namely compulsive eating, by relearning how to eat from the inside out--internal regulation as opposed to external regulation. In other words, we take charge.
We're absolutely in favor of Americans working to improve their physical and mental health. That's why The National Center for Overcoming Overeating is launching The Women's Campaign to End Body Hatred and Dieting. Let's come together a year from now and see who's in better shape--the draftees of the Shape Up America crusade, or all those women who are going to swear off body hatred and dieting forever!
The National Center for Overcoming Overeating is an organization committed to ending body hatred and dieting. It is headquartered in New York with offices in Chicago, Houston and New England. The Center was organized in 1989 by Carol Munter and Jane Hirschmann, authors of Overcoming Overeating, When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies (Fawcett, March, 1995), and Preventing Childhood Eating Problems (Hirschmann/Zaphiropoulos, Gürze Books).
|
|
Women from around the country call us with an important request: please write about the real details of the work you do so we can see the process in action. "We love the discussions of Overcoming Overeating, but it would be so helpful to hear the details of how one person goes through her own process with a particular issue."
In this column we will share more details of the process of the Overcoming Overeating work we do. We'll begin with the issue of bad body thoughts. First we'll briefly discuss some theory and then show you, step-by-step, how one member of our group worked on the issue over a four-week period.
You've heard it before: bad body thoughts are never, ever about your body. Yet, as one person recently told us, "The thing about a bad body thought is that it includes believing that it's about your body." It is difficult to develop and hold onto the capacity to step outside yourself when you are in pain. At that moment, it's hard to accept that your bad body thoughts could be a disguise for some other issue. You may need to listen to other people decode their bad body thoughts just to begin your own process.
Even women experienced with the Overcoming Overeating approach find themselves immersed in bad body thoughts without questioning them. "Are you sure it's not about my body, even when it's about my disgusting cellulite?" We're sure! As we say in Chicago, a city with wonderful ESL (English as a Second Language) programs, women learn FSL (Fat as a Second Language) early in life, without ever having to take it in school. That's why bad body thoughts seem so believable.
Katherine is one of our group members. She works hard to integrate Overcoming Overeating into her life and consistently faces and overturns a number of internal and external obstacles to stocking and demand feeding. She approaches her work with determination and humor.
As Katherine had more stomach hunger experiences and struggled to feed herself on demand, she also became more aware of her bad body thoughts. She gained some weight during her initial period of legalizing and, as a result, found herself having to counter her negative feelings about her larger body. Although Katherine had trouble intercepting her bad body thoughts, she told us that nevertheless she was trying to shop for new clothes that would fit, feel comfortable and reflect her own style and color preferences. As Katherine spoke, we noticed that she used words we thought could be manifestations of bad body thoughts. In other words, she took her bad body thoughts shopping with her!
"I need a sleek look," she said. "I don't like pants that have pleats in the front."
"Oh, yes," a group member agreed. "I don't like that 'round' look either."
"Is 'round' a bad thing?" we asked.
"Oh, well, you know..." Katherine laughed.
"No, tell us," someone else chimed in.
"Look I know we try to challenge the notion of fat as bad--but why shouldn't I want to look as sleek and flat as I can?" Katherine asked. "It's just a thing I have--I don't think it's just about thinking my fat is bad. It's a certain way I want to look."
We hypothesized that somehow "sleek" and "flat" were important words for Katherine, perhaps body descriptions that concealed other issues. When we asked Katherine if she had any other associations to those words or whether they described anything else in her life, she replied, "No, not really." Soon after, she felt finished with the discussion.
For Katherine this initial discussion established only that feeling sleek and flat has certain meaning for her. Her focus remained on the hard work of permitting herself to buy larger sized, lovely clothing. In fact, brief comments about clothing and shopping peppered the next session as well. Katherine continued to use the words "I need a sleek look, a nice flat feeling in my clothes."
At the third meeting, Katherine described a social eating experience in which she felt unable to respond to her own needs. "I was playing with my little granddaughter on the floor, and that was just where I wanted to be. I had everything I really needed right there. But my son and the rest of the family made comments about me not being at the table. So I brought the baby to the table and started to eat, even though I wasn't hungry. I felt that they were telling me I had to share myself and the baby with them, and I didn't want to."
Katherine felt very disappointed in herself for not being able to hold her ground. We encouraged her to be compassionate about what had happened, and her need to eat from mouth hunger. We noticed that she kept talking about her experience with the child. She was fascinated with the unique qualities of an infant enjoying her playtime with Grandma. Katherine described her relationship with the child in a wistful, longing tone.
Katherine is going through many changes in her life--developing new work, building and rebuilding relationships with her husband, friends and children--and her granddaughter provides a special experience that feels dependable and joyful for her. "She's so terrific!" Katherine smiled as she reflected on that dinner and the baby's eagerness to explore with a mind and body uncluttered by adult concerns. She had not wanted to remove herself from the experience or to share her granddaughter with anyone at the table.
At the next session, we did a visualization imagining ourselves at a smaller body size. Katherine said she lost track of what she was "supposed" to do in the visualization and instead had recalled a photograph that she keeps at home. "There I am in the picture," she said, "two or three years old, standing completely naked, smiling, straight and flat, full of pride. I had so much pride in myself!"
The image of Katherine the child, straight, sleek and flat, jolted us. Katherine confused "flat" with "proud"! She translated her loss of pride in herself during her growing-up years into a loss of flatness and she berated herself for her round, "bumpy" body.
"You are looking for your pride," we said, "not your flatness!"
She was quiet. We all now clearly understood the meaning of her bad body thoughts of the previous weeks. "Yes," she finally replied, "I had so much pride in myself."
"As I grew up, my father kept telling me, 'You're just like your mother. You have a body like your mother.' My mother was not someone I wanted to be like. As far as I was concerned she was indecisive and powerless and I associated that with the size and shape of her body, a woman's body. Gradually, without much validation from my parents for the spirit I exhibited, I lost the pride I had in myself. I developed a tremendous sense of shame about my body, always fearing it would turn into my mother's. Now it has."
Understanding her bad body thought frees Katherine to pursue her search--not for clothing that gives her a "sleek" look, but for the lost pride in herself. She knows that her response to the front-pleated pants that give her a round and "yucky" look is not about clothing styles, but about a long-lost feeling of despair about the meaning of being female in her family. This insight may not result in immediate or drastic changes in Katherine's ability to self-demand feed or to assert herself, but as she continues her work with Overcoming Overeating, she probably will learn to express her needs more easily. She looks forward to a time when she will feel more comfortable asserting her needs in self-demand feeding as well as in other areas of her life.
As Katherine strives to develop creativity in her work and to negotiate new ways of being in relationships with her husband, friends and children, she will probably continue to translate some of her feelings into bad body thoughts. She may even find herself focusing on wanting to feel "flat" or "sleek." But no matter what size her body ultimately settles at, chances are that it will reflect the natural and lovely roundness of an adult woman's body.
And chances are that the real treasure she seeks--her child's pride in herself--will never again be quite so disguised.
(Bad Body Fever refers to the rampant body-hating/dieting syndrome that affects so many women today.)
STEP 1: You must be fed up and furious about this debilitating syndrome that wastes women's lives. You must be ready to see that all your body-bashing and all your efforts to transform your shape have led nowhere. You have had the same bad body thoughts over and over again, thousands and thousands of times. What have these reproachful thoughts done for you besides made you miserable? You must be frustrated and angry enough finally to ask:
STEP 2: Who says that there is such a thing as a perfect thigh, leg, rear-end, etc.? ...that stomachs should be flat? ...that a thin body is the most beautiful? (and to be really daring)...that a young body is the most attractive? And after you've challenged all these ridiculous rules which you had no voice in establishing, you must:
STEP 3: Apologize to yourself for all your harsh judgments and abusive treatment and prepare to move into your body with love, compassion, respect and enjoyment. What does that mean in action? Wiggling a little in front of the mirror. Cleaning your closet of all the clothes that no longer fit. Dressing yourself right now outrageously and gorgeously. And most important:
STEP 4: After you have stopped each and every bad body thought dead in its tracks, challenged it and put it aside, you can then learn from it. A bad body thought is never about your body. Fat talk or bad body talk is a way women have of speaking in code. Decode your bad body thoughts and discover the concerns and feelings which these thoughts mask.
For example: Let's say you can't stand your thighs and that you say about them, "They're so huge." Assuming that a bad body thought is never about your body, ask yourself whether there is something about you other than your thighs that you consider too large or huge. Do you consider yourself too needy? Are your desires "huge"? Perhaps you were told that your aspirations made you "too big for your britches" or maybe you have always felt that you are just "too much." Isn't it time to start challenging some of the rules you've internalized about how much space you're allowed to take up rather than deflecting this conflict onto your thighs?
Why is it important for women to learn to decode their bad body thoughts? Because when women start addressing their real feelings and thoughts, we're going to be a lot happier, a lot more powerful, and the world is going to be a very different place. What do you think will happen when women stop hating their bodies?
STEP 5: Of course, chronic dieting is one of the most obvious symptoms of Bad Body Fever and an important part of the cure involves swearing off diets forever. Replacing dieting with demand feeding--feeding yourself when, what, and how much food your body needs--cures compulsive eating, the almost inevitable consequence of chronic dieting. Over time, demand feeding leads to a sense of security and thus enables a woman to speak about her problems rather than eat about them.
*This material is based on the book, When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies, by Jane R. Hirschmann and Carol H. Munter (Fawcett, 1995)
Dear OO,
You are an answer to a prayer that I have prayed for 30 years. With your help and encouragement, food is fuel in my life.
I wonder if anyone else might have had anything happen to them like I did. I am in therapy to deal with this but having positive body experiences is very difficult. The reason is that I am a rape survivor and the rapist blamed me for the rape because I was "fat"! I have a very difficult time even feeling that I have a body because I "disengage" from it.
Would anyone or would you have any suggestions for me? This has been and continues to be very painful, but I am healing. I really could use encouragement from you--I know you understand.
Thank you,
Barb
Dear Barb,
We were touched by your letter. As you know, it is easy for others or even for each of us to blame what befalls us on our body size. The list of problems blamed on body size includes ill health, economic problems, marital problems, layoffs, lack of popularity, and now rape!! The message is clear--if we're fat, we deserve what's coming to us and may even have brought it on by being fat. In our culture, fat is no longer a physical description; it is a moral indictment.
When it comes to rape, the woman is often blamed, "She asked for it." "She shouldn't have been so seductive." "She shouldn't have been out so late." Now we can add to the list, "She shouldn't have been fat." Blame the victim, particularly if she's female and fat.
No wonder you feel disengaged from your body. Your body represents your femaleness. And your female self was invaded and violated in a very brutal way. Women's bodies are viewed as objects and assaulted by advertising, television and movies, and by general comments made all day long. However, your experience goes way beyond the everyday cultural assault on women's bodies.
Many women feel shame about their bodies because they have internalized two early lessons. One, that our bodies are not okay the way they are and, two, that our bodies are for the pleasure of others, not ourselves. Slowly but surely we must all undo these early lessons and rid ourselves of body shame and hatred.
Sometimes a survivor of sexual abuse tries to fight back by eating her way to a larger size where she feels more protected. By eating and by disengaging from her body she attempts to deal with the horror of the event.
Perhaps now that you are in the process of reclaiming your appetite, using food to fuel yourself rather than numb yourself, you will be able to reclaim your body and re-empower yourself. We wish you well on this next leg of your journey.
Dear Jane and Carol,
I want to let you know how your work has affected my life. You came into my life in spring of 1989 when I purchased your book. Then I attended the June 1993 workshop at Lake Austin Resort and my life has not been the same since. It is hard for me to describe the impact. I now tend to view my life in two segments: B.T. (before Texas) and A.T. (after Texas). The break is more significant than before my divorce and after my divorce and rivals the significance of before graduate school and after graduate school. The impact is substantial and very empowering. I am not the same person that I was prior to that experience. I don't perceive myself in the same way. I don't dress in the same way. I don't act in the same way. And everyone has noticed the change. Much of the credit should also go to Freda Rosenberg for her wardrobe counsel and guidance. She taught me so much--including a better way to view, appreciate, and clothe myself. Toward the end of my individual counseling session with her she said: "My God, Virginia, I don't have to tell you how to select clothes! You're an artist for heaven sake! Select clothes like you would select a piece of art!" That is the advice I treasure and that I have applied ever since.
One of the many valuable changes I have made is in my professional life. I am an artist--although, I have never been employed as an artist. I have been a teacher, an accountant, a lawyer, and am currently an administrator and policy analyst. And until January of this year I had not produced a piece of artwork for over 15 years. Even when I was producing art I was never comfortable calling myself an artist and I was embarrassed when others called me an artist. B.T. I was full of denial in many areas. I now proudly call myself an artist and have discovered--to my great relief--that I still know how to do it. In fact, in many ways my skill has improved over the years despite the lack of practice.
Last summer we remodeled our house and a central part of the effort was the creation of two studio areas for my work--one in the garage for messy projects and the other, a converted bedroom for cleaner (and warmer in winter) work and for storage of materials that might deteriorate in a garage environment.
In January my employer granted my request for a reduced appointment and I now work a four-day week and have three-day weekends which I devote to my artwork. I am drawing and painting again and I have learned to etch glass. I have made a connection with other local artists and last week succeeded in locating and making contact with the watercolor professor I studied under in 1970. He gave me wonderful updated advice and suggestions and is sending me brochures to show me how his work has evolved in the intervening 23+ years. With every piece I produce, five to ten more ideas jump out at me. I feel as though the dam has burst.
My short term goal is to produce a sufficient amount of material in the next ten months to have a show. My long term goal is to gear my employment down further over the next two to three years, take an early retirement, and devote myself full-time to my art.
Meanwhile, there is much work to do with respect to overcoming overeating. I have made peace with my body but I became aware after reading the newsletter that I do not yet give it the love and respect it deserves. It is not enough to just stop berating my body. I need to genuinely love it and respect it. I have not developed sincere and genuine size acceptance. The newsletter also made me aware that I have not completely legalized food. My diet mind-set lurks just below the surface and gets in my way pretty regularly. The result is that I eat from mouth hunger or for prophylactic reasons much of the time.
The newsletter has helped me to look again at these issues, review what I learned in Texas, and renew my determination to learn to pay full homage to my wonderful, beautiful, large body and listen to and provide for its needs.
Thank you so much for all your good research, counsel, caring, and support. What you foster goes well beyond bodily needs!
Much love,
Virginia
Dear OO,
I would like some help from your "Readers Helping Readers" column. Recently, at Christmas, my younger sister (who I thought understood about my OO approach!) made a comment to me about how I couldn't possibly be happy at my weight (260-ish!). Also, she keeps mentioning my health and how John Candy died from obesity, etc. I just keep explaining my situation and finally asked her, "What do you want me to do--go on another diet and gain more weight?!" She sincerely asked me, "Why couldn't you just diet and then not gain the weight back?" Obviously, she still doesn't understand!
I would like to hear from others who have incorporated the OO approach but are still larger-sized like me. How do they handle situations like this? How do you get around the "medical" aspect of obesity?! Thanks in advance for your help.
Thanks!
Jacki
Dear OO,
In the last issue, Lucia, from California, raised a question about how to limit her meat-eating without feeling deprived. This topic is of interest to me, so I wanted to respond. Lucia is concerned about meat-eating as a health issue; my concern about it is environmental. But I think we're both having trouble sorting out internal cues from external pressures.
Humans and other primates are omnivorous, meaning we'll eat just about anything, plant or animal. Historically, human cultures have eaten primarily grains, fruits and vegetables because meat was much more difficult to obtain (you better believe it was a lot easier to grub for roots than it was to bring down a woolly mammoth!). As agricultural societies grew, meat still was used sparingly, as a flavoring agent rather than as a main dish except on feast days.
As agriculture became agri-business in the last century and a half, beef took over a larger portion of our plates. By the 1960s, instead of killing the fatted calf for feast days, we expected to eat some kind of meat every day, sometimes at every meal. More grain went to feed beef cattle than humans. It takes 16 pounds of grain and soy to produce one pound of meat, yet that same 16 pounds of grain has twenty-one times more calories and eight times more protein (Lappe, Diet for a Small Planet, 1982). This is a most inefficient use of the earth's resources and energy.
Beef is promoted like cigarettes, liquor or any other product. As children, most of us were told to eat lots of protein, preferably in the form of meat. Then came the super health craze. Now, beef is considered bad, cholesterol-laden junk that clogs our arteries and weakens our bones. In the midst of all this contradictory information, how can we possibly decide what to eat?
I think the only answer is: eat what your body tells you to eat. Intellectually, I would like to take in less meat so that I would consume less of the earth's resources. Yet, as a result of the work I've done thus far with Overcoming Overeating, I know that after years of dieting, I cannot restrict foods without triggering what I think of as my "deprivation mechanism." If I say, "No meat," I'll crave steaks and ribs and overeat them when I get them.
As I learn to listen to internal rather than external cues, I am learning that I feel more alert when I eat a larger proportion of grains, fruits and vegetables. I've also found that I sleep better when I'm not digesting a heavy meal. This is what's true for my body; other demand-feeders may find that their bodies react differently. I have many demand-feeding friends who eat meat when they want to because that's what their body craves at the time. As omnivorous animals, we are meant to eat all kinds of food. Our drive to eat a particular food should come from inside, not from the latest health craze or commercial. When I stock my fridge and freezer with red meat, I'm more relaxed about the issue and can be more accurate about whether or not meat is what I'm hungry for.
Over time, with more legalizing, I expect I'll be eating less meat. That's certainly what happened with macaroni and cheese. I still keep macaroni and cheese in the house, I just don't crave it like I used to.
Molly
Think about all the children starving in _______." "Take a bite for grandma." "Clean your plate." "Don't spoil your appetite." All the familiar ways adults attempt to control children's appetites. Can children control their food intake without any help from grownups? How can you let a three-year-old go her own way when it comes to food choices and amounts when it has been so difficult for the adults around her to do the same? These questions speak to the heart of the demand feeding philosophy--is it possible for children to self-regulate?
As you know, I believe that the body is self-regulatory. How can I be certain? In the past, I've relied on the Clara Davis cafeteria studies of the 1930s. This research demonstrated that when infants are left to their own devices, they naturally choose foods which contain the vitamins needed for healthy growth and development. Unfortunately, the study has little application in today's world because the only foods offered in that study were "pure or whole" foods--no refined sugars or processed foods.
I am quite pleased that new frontiers have been forged and studies have appeared over the last few years proving that children not only can, but must self-regulate. I want to share these studies with you because in today's world, those of us who embrace a nondiet, nonintervention theory for feeding our children need an arsenal of quality proof to back up our belief system.
Dr. Leann Birch, from the University of Illinois, did a study in 1990 which investigated the energy intake of young children. She took a group of 2-5 year olds and presented them with a variety of food choices, i.e. macaroni and cheese, carrots, peas, pudding, peanut butter and jelly sand-wiches, etc. They were allowed to eat as much food as they wanted. She discovered that their eating looked very chaotic within each 24 hour period. On some days, the children would eat very little in the morning and then consume much more later in the day. At other times, the reverse would be true. However, the amount of calories the children consumed during each 24 hour period remained totally consistent. This proved her theory that children are quite capable of self-regulation.
Dr. Birch along with her colleague Dr. Susan Johnson went on to study the impact of parental control on a child's ability to self-regulate food intake. They reported on this and related findings in PEDIATRICS, November, 1994.
They studied seventy-seven 3-5 year olds and their parents from a preschool setting. They found that the more control the mother reported using over her child's eating, the less self-regulation the child displayed. Boys fared better than girls in this respect which suggests that the sex of the child influences a parent's choice of feeding practices and/or that boys and girls respond differently to the information about eating that they receive.
"Many parents assume that children are incapable of regulating their food intake. They believe that in addition to their parental responsibility to provide healthy food choices, they must control how much food their children consume. Unfortunately, our results reveal that the controlling strategies adopted by parents to meet these goals appear to be counterproductive to the development of the child's ability to self-regulate food intake."
The fact that the researchers found unanticipated sex differences in the amount of control exerted in the feeding practice suggests that at a very young age, girls are socialized in the art of restraint. Boys' "appetites" are encouraged; girls' appetites are watched and controlled. Of course, we know how this practice backfires.
As adults, we've seen that the more we restrain our appetites, the more we want to eat. Growing up we were taught to be ladylike. Some of us didn't listen; some of us did. However, all of us got the message: Don't ask for too much, don't want too much and don't take up too much space in the world. Restraint has taken its toll on all women and children. The time has come to say, "No more."
This research confirms our belief in unrestrained eating. Because the body is self-regulatory, children do not need external controls when it comes to eating. Just the contrary is true. External manipulations and controls negatively affect a person's ability to listen to their internal cues. Self-regulation comes naturally!
By definition, demand feeding means eating when you are hungry. You eliminate schedules that tell you to eat because it is "breakfast," "lunch" or "dinner." The concept of "mealtime" originated with the workplace requirement that people eat at times convenient for industry; our culture as a whole has adopted this schedule as "normal."
As you begin to demand feed, you challenge the existing organization of the correct times to eat. "Who says I should eat at noon if I'm not hungry?" "Who says I should wait to eat my chicken and potatoes until tonight if I'm hungry for them at 10:30 in the morning?"
While working toward becoming a more attuned demand feeder, you may wonder how to handle social situations in which other people's eating schedules do not match your own. Here are some situations demand feeders frequently confront.
"I often eat out socially with friends. Sometimes I get hungry just before it's time to go out. Any advice?"
As you become more familiar with stomach hunger, you can choose to "arrange" your hunger. Let's say you plan to meet friends at a restaurant at 7:00 p.m., but by 5:30 you feel hungry. As a demand feeder, you want to respond to this physiological signal. By eating just enough of something to take the edge off your hunger, you arrange to become hungry again in a short period of time yet avoid depriving yourself right now.
This technique is fine, but do not turn it into an expectation that you should always arrange your hunger to match a schedule of events. There may be occasions when you decide to have the spaghetti you crave when you are hungry at 5:30. Then at 7:00, you go to the restaurant and, if you are not hungry, you simply enjoy the atmosphere and socializing. A comment such as "I'm not hungry now, but if I get hungry while I'm here, I'll order something," explains why you're not ordering and respects your needs as a demand feeder. You might consider ordering something to take with you in case you get hungry later.
Consider another situation. Emma had just finished satisfying her stomach hunger with a bagel with cream cheese when a friend called to invite her for lunch and some shopping. Emma met her friend at the mall. She noticed that she was only slightly hungry as they sat down for lunch. So she ordered a Caesar salad which felt "just right" to her.
"If I had known that I would be going out for lunch, I think I would have skipped the bagel and waited to eat until we got to the restaurant," Emma commented later. "But I probably would have felt uncomfortable by then because I would have been too hungry. When I'm too hungry, I find that I overeat."
Emma's experience shows the importance of staying in the present when making decisions about feeding yourself. Rather than think about what you ate a couple of hours ago or what you will eat later today, focus on exactly how you need to respond to yourself now. Although arranging your hunger is a useful tool, make sure that you listen to yourself about the best way to take care of yourself with food as each new situation arises.
"If I don't eat at a restaurant, even though I am not hungry, I end up feeling deprived."
If you feel deprived by not eating in a restaurant, chances are that you need to legalize the restaurant's food. You may feel that if you skip what is offered on the menu but crave the food later, you will be unable to get it. Certain restaurant foods may still feel forbidden to you so that they continue to "glitter". There are several ways to handle these issues.
First, remind yourself that you can come back to this restaurant anytime you are hungry for the food it serves. You also might decide to order what you like and take the food home for when it is the correct match for your stomach hunger. (Make sure to order plenty to take home!)
Think about whether any foods on the menu still feel forbidden to you. If so, bring these items home in large quantities. For example, if you feel compelled to eat a piece of pecan pie even though you feel full, buy as many pies from the restaurant as you need in order to feel that you have "more than enough." Also, think about whether you can prepare any of the restaurant's dishes so they are available to you whenever you need them.
Randy found that whenever she met her family at their favorite Chinese restaurant, she ate egg rolls whether or not she was hungry. To solve the problem, Randy began to stop at the restaurant everyday on her way home from work and buy several orders of egg rolls. As egg rolls became a part of her life, she found that she no longer felt deprived when she passed on them while eating with her family at the restaurant.
"I was invited to a dinner party. Although I was hungry, none of the food appealed to me. If this happens again, what should I do?"
Often, when you attend a social gathering, there is enough variety of food for you to make a good enough match. Remember that each eating experience need not be the eating experience of a lifetime. In such a social situation, choose from what's available in order to take the edge off of your hunger. Plan to get what you really want after the event if you are still hungry.
If the dinner party is being given by a close friend, you might call ahead and ask what he or she will be serving. If those foods don't meet your needs, say that although the menu sounds nice, you may bring something extra for yourself because you are eating in a new way. You could also offer to bring a dish that you know you will enjoy. Or, you might simply ask if you can help yourself to something from the refrigerator. Remember that many people have special dietary needs and make special requests at other people's homes and at restaurants. Most people will be happy to accommodate you because they want you to leave their home feeling content.
"I was recently in a situation where I was hungry and knew exactly what I wanted. By the time my friends made up their minds and got to the restaurant I suggested, I was too hungry and overate."
As always, your food bag insures that you never become too hungry. However, when the food you want is not in your food bag, you may need to take immediate action. Say something like "I really need to eat now. Anyone interested can come with me. Otherwise, I'll meet up with you in a little while." Sound outrageous? When one person tried it, the group went with her immediately and actually felt relieved that someone had finally made a decision!
"If I decide not to eat in a restaurant or at a social gathering, I end up feeling left out."
Food and socializing frequently go together. We commemorate and experience important events through the sharing of food. Yet, what is really significant about coming together with family, friends or business associates? Do you really feel more connected to others because you eat the same things at the same time? Or is the important aspect of the occasion the opportunity to spend time together, talk, or work together on important tasks?
Granted, if you're used to always eating when others are eating at a restaurant or social gathering, you may feel awkward at first when you decide not to eat because you're not hungry. Not eating when everyone around you is eating is truly an act of independence. You will stand out. You may not be used to being so self-assertive and defined.
Remember that by not eating, you are able to be more present. Being more present makes you more aware of certain issues and may stimulate mouth hunger. For example, you may be more in touch with the following concerns:
These or other issues may be at the heart of your reluctance to not eat at a social gathering even though you're not hungry. Of course, if you need to eat, you do so without judgment, looking forward to the day when you'll feel more comfortable putting socializing and eating on separate tracks.
© Copyright 1995, The National Center for Overcoming Overeating
Contributors retain all rights to their work. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without written permission from the National Center for Overcoming Overeating, P.O. Box 1257, Old Chelsea Station, New York, NY 10113-0920.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
