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photo by Judith SmithBarbie and thigh cream were the focus of one of the many provocative exhibits at The Diet Museum in New York City on May 5.
International No-Diet Day was started by Mary Evans Young, the director of Diet Breakers in England in 1992. It was first observed in the U.S. in 1993 and more extensively this year as a result of the efforts of Miriam Berg (Council on Size and Weight Discrimination) and the May 5th Coalition, a network of groups and individuals from the anti-size discrimination and anti-dieting movements.
The goals of the May 5th Coalition are to increase public awareness of the anti-diet/size acceptance/fat liberation movement; to further publicize the high failure rate of dieting; to teach people how to maximize their health, no matter what their size; to expose the unacceptable risks of weight-loss surgery and to insist that the federal government act to reduce those risks.
To honor the occasion, The National Center for Overcoming Overeating, with endorsements from the May 5th Coalition and the Womens Therapy Centre Institute, sponsored a Diet Museum in New York City in the lobby of a building at 84th and Broadway.
With tape measures as streamers and a cart full of diet foods at the entrance, the museum exhibited relics from our dieting past. Among the more valuable memorabilia were a diamond Weight Watchers(TM) pin; a signed copy of Jean Nidetch's Weight Watchers Program Cookbook; a 1969 Weight Watchers receipt book; a diet plate of cottage cheese (topped with peaches) and melba toast; a collection of Weight Watchers scales; booklets from every possible diet organization; diet books; a large assortment of diet pills; Barbies surrounded by cans of Ultra SlimFast(R) and thigh cream; and a pyramid of cans of diet soda. Betty Ann Felderman, an artist who stopped dieting some years ago, created spectacular signs and exhibits using a scale motif.
Perhaps next year -- with some of you as curators -- the museum will establish branches in other cities!
To get on Miriam's list to receive next year's information about No-Diet Day, write to May 5th Coalition, P.O. Box 305, Mt. Marion, NY 12456 or call/fax 914/679-1209.
Dear Reader,
Many of you report that after your initial excitement about using the Overcoming Overeating approach you notice yourself feeling resentful about having to pay so much attention to your eating. You don't want to pack a food bag, you are annoyed at having to ask yourself whether your desire to eat is mouth hunger or stomach hunger, you are tired of having to monitor your bad body thoughts and you just can't be bothered figuring out exactly what your stomach wants to eat. In fact, the whole project begins to seem like another diet with yet another set of rules.
We'd like to share some thoughts we have about this ubiquitous problem. Let's call it the conflict between the freedom fighter -- the rebel who binges out of diets -- and the rule maker -- the one who turns a non-diet into a diet.
As you know, in Overcoming Overeating we describe an approach to curing compulsive eating. In effect we say, if you find that you desperately reach for food when you are not hungry, then, legalizing food, stopping your negative body talk, moving toward size acceptance and enjoyment and feeding yourself on demand will, over time, decrease your need to use food as a tranquilizer. We see ourselves as offering suggestions or guidelines. For many of you, however, these guidelines quickly become another set of rules for you to live by or defy. You find yourself saying, "I should eat only when I'm hungry," or "I should stop each bad body thought" or "I should be gentle with myself." In other words, before long, each element of this non-diet approach -- stocking the house, carrying a food bag, doing mirror work, dressing yourself with pleasure, differentiating between stomach hunger and mouth hunger -- feels like a diet-like instruction which inspires your resentment, rebellion and resistance.
Are our "guidelines" simply another set of rules in disguise? We prefer to think that we are presenting an argument or a way of seeing a problem and that our "guidelines" are jumping-off points that flow from our understanding of your situation. If you agree with us that compulsive eating is the result of dieting, then probably you will also agree that stopping dieting is the first step toward non-compulsive eating. If you agree with us that years of food restrictions have made food "special" and thus more of a tranquilizer than a fuel, then you will probably also agree that food needs to be de-mystified or legalized. If you agree that once you do away with dieting your remaining mouth hunger eating is the result of anxiety, then you will probably also agree that it makes sense to lessen your anxiety by reconnecting food and stomach hunger and by replacing self-contempt with self-acceptance.
In other words, if our argument makes sense to you, you go on to adopt certain measures in order to make inroads on your problem with compulsive eating. So how did these measures -- which initially delighted you -- become oppressive rules? How did the Overcoming Overeating approach become another diet, the very thing it was intended to counter?
When you are feeling oppressed and constrained by elements of this approach, the chances are that you are confronting within yourself what is, in fact, a very human tendency to make rules. This tendency -- which permeates many aspects of our lives and not simply our relationship to food -- turns growth-enhancing actions into stifling rules. Self-defeating as it may seem, rule making serves some surprising functions.
First, rules -- even if we rebel against them -- keep us company and make us feel secure. Rules imply the existence of another person, namely the rulegiver/authority/ultimate caretaker. "I should eat in response to stomach hunger" implies that someone has told me to do so. On the other hand saying, "I want to eat from stomach hunger because I understand that in the long run it will make me feel more psychologically grounded" implies that "I and I alone desire to do so." You may resent the "company" of rules, but you may feel alone and insecure without them.
Second, rules give us hope. We live in a "Pull yourself up by the bootstraps," "You can do it if you try hard enough" culture. When you tell yourself "I should eat from stomach hunger all the time" or "I should do mirror work," you are not only trying to force yourself into some new behavior but you are also suggesting that, with enough willpower, change is possible. When on the other hand you give up the word "should," you give up the hope that things are going to change overnight or change by command. If, for example, you are not commanding yourself to eat in response to stomach hunger but are simply trying to become a more attuned demand feeder, you accept the fact that, in the process, some of the time you will be able to wait for stomach hunger and at other times you will still be governed by mouth hunger. The process of real and lasting change is slow and uneven.
Third, we set up rules for ourselves because following them makes us feel worthy. When you take our suggestions and turn them into rules, you can then feel "good" if you follow them and "bad" if you disobey. It is difficult to give up the hope of finally becoming someone's "good girl"; it is difficult to live a life without the teacher's gold stars. You may be very pleased to discover that you are having less mouth hunger or fewer bad body thoughts, for example, but in a world without shoulds, you must grant yourself acceptance irrespective of what you are or are not able to do on any given day.
What is the solution to this quite understandable rule-making tendency that so many of us struggle with? In our New York workshop one evening, participants had some ideas.
"I was making myself crazy about mirror work," said Bettina. "I know I'm supposed to look at myself without making negative comments, but I just couldn't do that. So I gave myself permission to say as many negative things about my body as I wanted for as long as I wanted. You could say that I 'legalized' my bad body thoughts and eventually they became less compelling."
"I've had that same experience about the food bag," said Leslie. "I saw that the more I kept telling myself that I should be carrying a food bag, the more I resisted. I've decided not to give myself such a hard time about it, cut myself some slack and maybe I'll want to carry one eventually."
"I can see that I'm really tied into getting those gold stars," said Sue. "As soon as I notice that I've had a day when I've been eating solely in response to stomach hunger, I find myself making a rule about how, from now on, I'm always going to eat only in response to stomach hunger. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that very soon after making such a promise to myself, I have an irresistible need to eat even though I'm not hungry. I think I just love having the sense that, if I worked at it, I could be 'perfect' and completely 'good.'" Sue suddenly started laughing. "I was just about to say that I should stop making those promises. Clearly, just going with the flow or accepting myself as is doesn't come easily to me. Living without rules feels like a loss."
Sue is not alone. We are all so used to living with shoulds that it can be extremely difficult to let them go and come up with new ways of talking to ourselves and keeping ourselves company. We asked the group for some suggestions about how aspiring freedom fighters might talk to themselves:
"I'd like to eat from stomach hunger as often as I can."
"I'm interested in learning what triggers my mouth hunger."
"I'd like to give myself an appealing food bag."
"I don't want to hurt myself with bad body thoughts."
"I understand that this is going to be a gradual process."
We'd love to hear from you about how you've grappled with your rule-making tendency. The fact that freedom is frightening as well as exhilarating is clearly central to every aspect of this approach.
Hearty appetite!
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Carol and Jane
Greetings!
In our Chicago groups we have encouraged women, as they feel ready, to sort through old photographs and bring some of them into group to share. Passing around the photographs and talking about their stories clarifies important memories and feelings. The experience also highlights where a woman is on the road to size acceptance, living in the present and learning to respond to herself in a loving and nurturing way.
To elicit memories and feelings we may ask "What do you remember thinking or feeling at that point in your life?" "How does the picture compare with how you remember yourself?" or "What was going on in your life at that time?" Many women automatically report what diet they were on or off at the time the picture was taken. Some women remember the exact amount they weighed at the time and comment "How sad that what I remember about that time in my life is the number of pounds I weighed."
If, as you read more about this "photo-biography" work you are interested in doing it for yourself or with friends, we caution you: Do not use this exercise to beat yourself up! If you think that looking at old pictures will elicit negative feelings that you will not be able to counter, you may want to wait for another time. On the other hand, if you feel ready to take a look at your history in pictures, you may discover some interesting things.
We have found several themes emerge as women share their pictures, stories and feelings. First, an overwhelming number of women find that as they look back at earlier photographs of themselves as children, they see average-sized bodies. "They told me I was fat, and that being fat was bad," Cheryl said as she echoed so many women's feelings. "So I began dieting, gained weight as the result of dieting and felt continuously bad about my body and myself...The difference between how I saw myself then and how I actually appear in the pictures is amazing." Feelings about this discrepancy range from anger to sadness to empathy for the child who grew up with such a distorted body image.
Many women realize that other problems in their families were hidden under a fear of fat and that diets were seen as the solution to these problems. They see that the family's focus on fat was the prototype for the ways they themselves later "translated" all kinds of issues into body issues, e.g., work problems, relationship conflicts and general feelings about themselves.
A second theme which emerges is that of shame. One woman's photographs showed only the size of her hips at various points in her life, i.e., before, during or after diets. No head, no arms and no legs appeared in the pictures. "I was only as good as the size of my hips...and that part of my body was the only one that I learned mattered in being a woman. My face, my brain, my thoughts, my feelings were just not part of the 'picture' in my family. I grew up feeling so ashamed of 'showing' myself as a woman. It was as if only the bottom half of my body was important."
Some women also discover that they felt such shame about their bodies that in most of the pictures they are hiding behind others or absent from photos of important events. The pictures often confirm the importance of the issue of shame in a woman's life -- shame about exposing her feelings, sexuality, thoughts and power. Gretchen commented that the shame that made her shy away from being photographed continues to interfere with her efforts to overcome overeating. She still fears, for example, that people will judge her or laugh at her for carrying a food bag. She has learned society's lesson well: Women are not supposed to show their needs in public. Perhaps Gretchen's fear of feeling ashamed for carrying a food bag will eventually turn into excitement and pride. When a woman feels good about carrying a food bag, it seems to give everyone else permission to eat when they want to!
A third theme is the sadness women feel about never having been accepted for who they were. Women who were large as children look back and remember all the judgments about their size and how they were made to feel. "There was nothing wrong with me," Lily stated. "I was a nice kid, a bright kid. I had friends and a reasonably happy family. If only they had let me be the size I was meant to be, I wouldn't have tried to diet down to an unnatural size and then gained so much weight as a result." Marcia commented as she looked at a picture from several years ago, "You know, I wish I could have accepted myself at the size I was then. I probably wouldn't have had to diet to the size I am now." Unfortunately, Marcia is still yelling at herself about her current size. For these women, sharing the photographs highlighted the importance of moving toward loving their bodies at whatever size.
Finally, some women were surprised to find that their bodies now are fairly similar to how they looked in the old photographs. For all the pain and torture of dieting, binging and self-hatred, their bodies have not changed all that much. They brought in pictures of other family members, including parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and grandparents and saw how the body shape they had desperately tried to change invariably resembled the body size and shape of a near relative. The photographs underscored how strong the genetic component is in determining body size and shape. Accepting your genetic destiny rather than fighting it gives you the freedom to enjoy your body as it is.
You may find that these or other themes arise as you review your photo-biographies. We would love to hear your reactions! If you decide to look through old photographs, see if you can talk to yourself compassionately about what it has been like to go through much of your life preoccupied by thoughts of food and body hatred. Then imagine 10, 20 or 30 years from now reviewing pictures of yourself in 1994. What would you like to see? We hope that as you overcome your preoccupation with food and body hatred, the "body" you see in today's pictures will meet with your loving appreciation and will no longer be an indicator of your success or failure as a person. Instead, we hope you will be able to:
Picture this...the reflection of a person who enjoys how she looks and feels
Picture this...the image of a person who feels comfortable in her body
Picture this...the snapshot of someone who invests her energy and abilities in many of life's satisfying activities
Picture this...as the camera focuses on you, you gently move yourself to be in the photograph that will begin a new chapter in your photo journal.
Wishing you well --
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Judith and Carol
The war is on! A recent headline in Bloomberg News, an international paper which reports on financial markets, read "Industry Spotlight: Diet Plans Hunger for Cure for Slim Profits." According to this report the diet industry is hurting. Music to our ears.
Robinson Clark, who wrote the piece for Bloomberg News, reports that Jenny Craig(R) saw a drop in new enrollments last year reflected by an 84% decrease in earnings, from 25 cents a share a year ago to 4 cents a share now. Weight Watchers is also in trouble with a 10% drop in subscriptions in 1993. Meanwhile, Nutri/System(R), the third largest diet chain, closed upwards of 300 centers in 1993. In all, the top 11 commercial chains now operate 14% fewer weight-loss centers than they did three years ago.
While commercial weight-loss programs are suffering, however, meal replacements, pills and anti-diet frauds are prospering. It is good business to claim that you want to "Stop the Insanity" and then turn around and offer another rigid diet plan. Susan Powter has grossed more than $100 million since 1992!
What is in store for the consumer? Nutri/System's CEO says, "Weight-loss centers have not kept up with changing consumer tastes, and don't offer positive lifestyle programs along with the more difficult cut down on eating plans."' So there you have it. The best business plan is to cloak diets in more appealing garb.
John LaRosa, publisher of the Diet Business Bulletin, thinks the wave of the future is to open centers which offer more than diets. Capitalize on the fact that an enlightened public wants more for less money, he suggests. Offer health screening, stress management training, counseling, exercise, classes in nutrition and food planning. Make alliances with health facilities, hospitals and employer programs, and voilà, you will turn a profit.
On March 9, 1994, an article appeared in The New York Times entitled "Customizing a Diet to Stop the Yo-Yo." It reported on a center much like the one John LaRosa described as the prototype for the future survival of the diet industry. It is a weight management center which tailors individual plans for losing and maintaining weight and employs a team of physicians, psychologists, exercise physiologists, cooking instructors and stress management experts. The motto of the center is that weight loss is a lifelong proposition. Once again the old message -- control rather than cure.
Bloomberg News also reported that "A nascent anti-dieting movement appears to be gaining a foothold. The number of people concerned with losing weight in the U.S. has leveled off at about 51 million." Since the number usually quoted is 80 million, that indicates a huge drop. In this article we are called "anti-diet preachers." Perhaps when you garner billions of dollars -- like Jenny, Jean or Susan -- you're considered an entrepreneur rather than a preacher.
Given this news, what is the task ahead? The political goal of The National Center for Overcoming Overeating is to join with others on the anti-dieting front to put the diet industry out of business. Imagine the day when if a doctor hands you a diet to follow because she or he thinks you need to lose weight, you file a malpractice suit. You file this suit because dieting is now considered extremely dangerous to your physical and mental health. Imagine what it would be like if no one in your immediate circle of friends or colleagues ever chatted about what was wrong with how they looked or how much weight they needed to lose. Imagine no one understanding the phrase "I pigged out."
As we move ahead to bring the diet industry to its knees, we must be alert to the many ways in which the anti-diet slogan is easily co-opted. Recently we were asked to give a talk at a diet industry conference aimed at helping the industry get back on its feet. The organizer of the conference could not understand why we refused to speak. His logic went like this: Wouldn't it be better for Jenny Craig, Nutri/System, Weight Watchers, etc., to hear from you? You could humanize their services. After all, they are not going out of business. With your input, couldn't they give better service and do less harm? We tried to tell him that we did not want to give the diet industry the tools to be less harmful to women. We want to render them altogether harmless. To do that we must get millions of women to stand up and say, "No More. No More Diets and No More Self-Abuse!"
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If the beach is a placewhere the usual rulesabout nudity are suspended,why shouldn't judgmentsabout body size besuspended as well? |
*NOTE: We have decided to use the term "bad body thought" instead of "fat thought." We have used the term "fat thought" to refer to all the negative thoughts we direct at our bodies when, in fact, something about ourselves or our feelings is making us uncomfortable. Unfortunately, the term, apt as it may seem, perpetuates the use of the word "fat" as a synonym for "bad." So, from now on, as the new saying goes...a bad body thought is never about your body!
Brenda reported that she had tried, unsuccessfully, to buy a bathing suit. "I thought I'd prepared myself in advance," she said. "I've been doing a lot of mirror work and sometimes I can even get close to not exactly liking but mildly appreciating my reflection. I decided that I would try on a bunch of different styles and I brought quite a few suits into the fitting room. One looked more disgusting than the next. I was in such a bad state that I decided I'd better get out of there. I kept telling myself that these were bad body thoughts and that they must be disguising some other problem but that didn't help me. When you're faced with how disgusting you look in these suits, it's hard to believe that it's really something else that's upsetting you."
Heads nodded in unanimous agreement as Brenda spoke as if to say, "When you look disgusting in a bathing suit you look disgusting. Right?" Not in our view. A bad body thought is never about your body, so when you feel that you look disgusting in your bathing suit, what else might your disgust be about?
Years of such discussions as the warm weather approaches have taught us that although you may feel that a particular suit does not suit your particular body, your disgust may have more to do with how you feel about disrobing in public. No matter how much weight a woman loses before bathing suit season, she will still be visible on the beach and, raised in this culture, she is likely to have mixed feelings about displaying herself. "I look disgusting" more often than not means "I feel disgusting when I allow myself to be almost naked in public."
Think about it. Most of the year we are expected to cover up in front of friends, neighbors, colleagues, relatives and strangers. Disrobing in front of others is for intimate occasions; a certain modesty is expected in public. But for three months of the year in most of the country -- longer in warmer climates -- you are expected to disrobe in front of strangers and feel perfectly comfortable in your near-nakedness.
We all have fantasies about being admired for our beauty, being unconditionally accepted. Once upon a time, as toddlers, many of us ran naked into the room to a chorus of "oohs" and "ahs" and "how adorable." But those times passed and the mixed messages we received as girls about being attractive yet being reserved were extremely confusing. The looks our bodies attracted, the threats, the violations, the emphasis on our bodies all served to make us ambivalent about what started out to be natural wishes to enjoy our bodies and have them admired.
The next time you are filled with disgust as you try on bathing suits ask yourself the following questions:
"How do I really feel about being undressed at the beach? Let's say I were thinner. Would the experience be that much different? Is 'being thinner' the magic property that I and everyone else think makes it okay to be freer about revealing one's body in public?"
"Since the beach is a place where our usual rules about nudity are suspended, can I allow myself to enjoy that freedom regardless of what size I am?"
"If I find it hard to suddenly let go of my feelings of embarrassment just because it happens to be July, is there a way I could dress that would feel more comfortable to me at the beach?"
When you understand that your discomfort has to do with revealing your body in public regardless of its size, you will be able to move on to the business at hand -- deciding which suit to buy or whether to buy a suit at all. As your suited reflection appears in the dressing room mirror, take a deep breath. Instead of making a judgment, ask yourself a few more questions:
"If no one else were going to see me dressed (undressed) this way, would I like the way this suit suits me?"
"Would I enjoy owning this suit even if I only put it on occasionally in my own house and look at myself in the mirror?"
"If my body were the cultural ideal, would I like myself in this suit?"
Then parade around the dressing room a bit and think about a world in which all bodies are considered interesting and beautiful. And further, if the usual rules about nudity are suspended at the beach, why shouldn't judgments about body size be suspended there as well? Then consider giving yourself permission to suit yourself!
When I recently gave a talk to the parents' association of a local elementary school, one of the parents raised a question which is frequently asked whenever I talk about preventing childhood eating problems:
"I have one child who was born skinny. She has always been in the lowest tenth percentile on the growth curve. She eats whatever she wants, whenever she wants it. I never think twice about what she puts in her mouth nor do I worry about her weight. My son, however, was a big baby and has always been in the 90th percentile when it comes to height and weight. I try to restrict his food intake and his food choices. I see that he is becoming very obsessed about food. Obviously, he is picking up on my concern. What should I do? Everyone is very worried about his weight."
Of course, everyone is worried about the weight of a large child. Living as we do in a fat-phobic society, many people focus on the child whose weight does not fit the cultural ideal. This is a very difficult and painful issue for parents. From my perspective, there is only one solution: Treat the large child in the same way you treat the thin child.
Begin by challenging everything that you think you should do for him. Everyone suggests that you attempt to keep him away from "fattening" foods and offer him as much exercise as possible. After all, the logic goes, you want to do everything you can to help him fit into a culture which deplores fat. But is this prescription helpful or harmful?
Almost all the suggestions about how to deal with a fat child are based on the assumption that a parent can turn a large child into a thin one. Not possible! We come in a wide variety of shapes and sizes; the most helpful thing a parent of a fat child can do is to offer him or her an alternative, loving view of his or her body and to encourage the large child to eat from stomach hunger. How many of you reading this article were large as children and developed eating problems because your parents and the world imposed its prejudices and food restrictions on you? What size would you be now if you'd been accepted as you were? In other words, the prescription for a large child who is on his or her way to becoming a compulsive eater because of the pressure to be thin and to eat differently is the same as for the adult compulsive eater -- acceptance, legalizing and demand feeding.
What does this look like in practice? When you are tempted to restrict foods, particularly "fattening" foods, remember that restriction leads to rebellion and overeating. For example, let's say you are at the grocery store with your son and he wants to buy candy at the checkout counter. You don't want him to because you would rather see him eat a food with less calories or fat. Ask yourself "What would I do if he were thin?" Probably you would let him have the candy. Or let's say you are at home and he goes for the chips. Your instinct is to tell him to take an apple instead. Check yourself by saying, "How would I feel if he weren't fat? Would I be so focused on every morsel he put in his mouth?"
Let's say you live in an apartment building. You are about to leave the house with your son and you think to say to him, "How about taking the stairs today instead of the elevator?" In the back of your mind, you are hoping to sneak in some exercise. Would you be making the same suggestion if he were thin? Again, probably not.
Summer is approaching and you know that the family will be spending a lot of time by the water. You are racking your brain trying to figure out what he could use as a cover-up at the beach. Who says that he needs to cover up? What is his crime? Why shouldn't he run free in his bathing trunks just like every other child? He doesn't need to be punished for his size. How about challenging that thought and taking him shopping for some jazzy suits. While you're at it, you might want to tell him that you were wrong about restricting his food intake and that you'd like to try something new this summer. You would like him to direct his own eating and so you will shop with him for food supplies. Spend some time with your child explaining demand feeding in language appropriate for his or her age.
There is enormous pressure to place food restrictions, exercise regimes and clothing rules on a large child. These plans not only fail but are responsible for weight cycling, depression and a negative sense of self. Our goal must be to help all children in all their shapes and sizes rejoice in the uniqueness of their appetites and their bodies.
"Oh, my!" said Grandma, "What big teeth you have!"
"All the better to EAT you with!" replied the wolf.
Then Granny asked, "But are you hungry?"
Dear OO:
As a veteran of the program who is still battling with my weight, I am looking for something which can aid me in my battle and therefore goes beyond what I can read in the book Overcoming Overeating yet comes from the same philosophy.
At this point, I find the emotions of the battle much more difficult than the legalizing, filling my house with food, positive self-talk, self-acceptance, etc., which the book covers so well. My biggest obstacle right now is my fear of stopping when I'm full. I tell myself I will eat when I'm hungry, and I carry around food, but stopping still triggers the fears of dieting and deprivation.
Sincerely,
Pam
Dear Pam:
You mentioned two issues you want addressed: your ongoing battle with your weight and your fear of stopping when full. It's quite possible that these two concerns are related. Very often, people connect the idea of stopping when they are full to the idea of losing weight. If you are making that connection, it is quite understandable that stopping feels like a diet, i.e., deprivation. Although it's true that sometimes people lose weight when they have mastered the art of stopping, losing weight is always a problematic motivation for stopping. Remember that accepting yourself whatever your size is fundamental to this approach to compulsive eating. Stopping when you are full has to do with respecting who you are as an eater by not going beyond what makes your body comfortable. Stopping is the road out of compulsive eating, not the road to a thinner you.
Dear OO:
Along with learning to identify and respond to my body's hungers, my main goal this last year has been to accept my "larger than the norm" size. This has become especially important over the last 16 months since my daughter was born. I am quite confident that the only way we can bash the stereotypes for future generations is to begin with a healthy respect for ourselves as women exactly as we are.
To that end, I so appreciate your editorial comments and photos in the first newsletter. I have seen those sculptures and paintings over the years, many when I traveled Europe as a college student. However, it is only now that I am able to make the connection between the beauty of those women and the beauty that is my body.
I have heard repeatedly that advertisers sell products to women by making them feel inferior. Those comments before had always eluded me, but in looking through the newsletter and thinking about your question "How would you feel if you woke up tomorrow and your body was the cultural norm?" I began to realize that the "cultural ideal" is completely arbitrary!
I will celebrate my 30th birthday in a few days and perhaps the greatest gift is the realization that there is no "Oz" of beauty to covet. I have those things for which I have always yearned: a young, healthy, attractive body and a normal relationship with food.
Many thanks!
Celia
Dear OO:
I've been using the OO approach now for about a year and a half and have recently been diagnosed with having Type II diabetes. I am furious!! After spending the last year and a half learning not to give a second thought to what I'm eating and to what I weigh, now I'm told I'll have to pay attention to these things again. The 1,200-calorie eating plan they gave me looks just like the diet I was put on over 25 years ago! I just refuse to go down that road again!
I know, deep within, that if I try to restrict myself with my food again and start worrying about my weight that I'll end up being obsessive again and binging again. I'd almost rather die than be like I used to be. It seems to me that what I've been doing is better than going back to binging again. I hardly ever eat sweets anymore -- simply because I know I can!
I really appreciate the article you had in the first newsletter about this subject. It seems to indicate that we diabetics should not resort to restricting, etc. However it doesn't tell us what to do instead! I feel so lost right now. Do I go back to drinking diet Coke (which I hate!) and staying away from sweets -- or do I keep on using the OO approach -- or is there some kind of happy medium? Also, what do I tell people like my mother-in-law who is so concerned about my diabetes that she's now commenting on everything I eat and telling me I need to watch my sweets.
If you have any recommendations on using the Overcoming Overeating approach when diabetic, I would sure appreciate it! Also, how do I deal with the anger about having to undo all the work I've just done learning to eat whatever I want?
Jacki
Dear Jacki:
It's always a terrible blow to learn that you have a medical problem. Getting used to the idea takes time and emotional work. It seems to us that having used the Overcoming Overeating approach for a while, you're actually in a good position to be able to handle this condition. As you say, you have learned that external food restrictions lead to rebellious eating. You now have to take one more step and understand that whatever you decide to do about your eating will be the result of your desire to take better care of yourself and your body's needs. Remember that Overcoming Overeating means giving a great deal of thought to what your body needs at any given moment of hunger. Submitting to external regulations is one thing; heeding internal signals and restrictions is quite another. The people around you are naturally upset, but they are not as educated as you are about the ins and outs of food restrictions.
Because of the positive response we received to the diabetes/demand feeding article in our first newsletter, we are planning a follow-up article. In the meantime, you may want to get some support from Dana Armstrong at King Revers & Winn (408/757-3255). Dana is not able to conduct actual medical consultations over the phone but she is an excellent source of motivation and reassurance.
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Freda Rosenberg has developed a psycho-educational program for women which deals with three issues: body image, self-esteem and self-acceptance, and self-presentation. She conducts public lectures and seminars titled "Myth of the Perfect Woman," "Mirror, Mirror: Learning to Love What You See" and "Dressing from the Inside Out."
I began compulsive eating when I was eight years old. I was always on diets and uncomfortable with my body. Ten years ago, while in college, I began to challenge my basic assumptions about body size. I was working toward my degree in women's studies, read Fat is a Feminist Issue by Susie Orbach, and met Carol Munter. Eventually, I read Overcoming Overeating and began demand feeding. All these things have come together for me: It's OK to be powerful, to have a presence, to present yourself in a way that feels good to you and that says what you want to say with your clothes.
That's my interest -- clothing. I love the feeling of playing dress-up in the attic. That's what shopping should be like -- going to a fantasy attic and having fun playing dress-up. This is denied to larger women because we're told to dress a certain way and to remain hidden and because there aren't as many choices in clothing available. I would like to see more and more women of all sizes breaking free from conventions about clothing and body image, determining for themselves what to wear and how to present themselves.
Through my work, I've found that there are two main obstacles to dressing the way we would like. First, as much as we want to be free of our image issues, there is attachment to the "protection" of remaining hidden. This is related to our fears about breaking societal taboos about power, pleasure and making our own decisions and statements. Second, many women have issues with the concept of self-care. To take care of ourselves, to dress and to nurture ourselves in a loving way is labeled self-indulgent. Both of these obstacles combine to keep us from taking time and space for ourselves and from exploring our full potential.
Learning to love and adorn your body is a process. Some of us are just beginning to direct our love and self-acceptance towards our bodies while others of us have been deliberately working at this journey for quite some time. Regardless of where you are in your journey, this mini-exercise will help you identify what inroads you have made in this regard and clarify what areas of exploration still lie ahead for you.
Find some quiet time for yourself to reflect on the following questions. Let the answers that come up create a "snapshot" of how you feel about your self-image now.
Imagine for a moment that you could dress in any way you wanted. Imagine that money was no issue and that all clothing was tailored to fit YOUR body. In other words, you are the ideal image of beauty in our culture and all fashion designers use your body to design their clothing lines. How does that feel?
Since you have all the clothing you could possible want right at your fingertips, what kinds of clothing would you choose to fill your wardrobe? What colors, cuts, styles or fabrics would you have in your closet? Would you dress casually? Formally? Dramatically? Traditionally? What kind of shoes would you wear? What kind of accessories would you wear? Try to be as specific as possible. If it helps, take a minute and write down whatever comes to mind. Let your imagination put together a "look" that you feel you could call your own.
Now, think specifically about what you currently have in your closet. How does your imaginary closet compare with your current closet? Specifically identify where the differences are. What do you have in your closet that is not in your imaginary closet? Clothes that don't fit? Clothes you don't like? Materials you don't like? Things someone else told you to buy or wear? Be as specific as you can.
In exploring your imaginary closet and your current closet you can get a "reading" on where you may be getting stuck in this process. Is your imaginary closet your real closet? If not, why? What is still difficult for you? Is it knowing what you want, knowing what you like? Not feeling that you can get rid of clothes that don't fit? Not spending the time or money to find clothes you like? Are you waiting for your body to change to allow yourself to have your "dream closet"?
You can begin to develop your dream closet right now. Use this exercise to identify internal roadblocks and begin to make some changes. A little at a time, as your budget allows, develop a closet full of clothes that expresses your inner self.
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One of the most common questions asked by people working with Overcoming Overeating is "Why do I need to carry food with me?" Let's say your cupboards are full at home and you have plenty of food in your office. Is it still necessary to have that bag of food with you at all times? The answer is an unequivocal yes! The reasons for this are twofold. First, you cannot possibly eat on demand unless you have food available to you at all times. Your goal is to respond to your hunger day in and day out and this can be accomplished only by knowing that you have the food you require to meet your needs at a moment's notice. Secondly, your bountifully filled bag is a symbol of the consistent good caretaking that you are providing for yourself. It's there to remind you that you are well taken care of and can remain calm.
We live in a world that does not make it easy to attend to hunger in an attuned, natural way. Mealtimes have been organized for the convenience of the workplace, not to reflect the needs of people who listen to their stomach hunger. But imagine: You walk into that meeting, conference, class or social occasion with a food bag and, as you enter, you notice that your friends, colleagues, business clients or fellow students each have their own bags of food. Everyone is able to eat when they are hungry! Although this fantasy will take some time to become a reality, you can create this environment for yourself by carrying your food bag on a consistent basis. Here are some frequent questions and comments we hear and suggestions which we hope will send you packing!
"What type of food bag do I need?"
You need a bag that can hold all the food you would like to have with you in the quantities you require, i.e., large supplies of foods that glitter, favorite daily staples, whatever interests you that week. Women we know carry big paper bags, elegant leather packs, vinyl insulated bags and varieties of nylon "airline" bags with different amounts of space. Some people have several bags to accommodate various situations such as traveling, a two-hour activity away from home or a long day at the office. People who spend much of their day in the car may find a cooler to be useful. Also, different types of thermoses are helpful if you want to carry hot foods such as soup. Find what fits your needs in the same way that you attempt to find food that matches your stomach hunger.
"I have food everywhere -- at my home, office and even in my car -- so why do I need to carry a food bag with me?"
No matter how much food you have in these places, at some point during the day you are bound to be away from these sources of food for a short or long period of time. If you go too long without eating when you are hungry you are at risk for overeating later. Conversely, knowing that you will be somewhere without food puts you at risk for overeating beforehand. You cannot become a "very good" demand feeder unless you are in the position to feed yourself at the exact moment of hunger. Waiting 10 minutes, 30 minutes or an hour; getting stuck on the highway with no food bag in your car; or getting caught on an airplane without sufficient supplies are all situations which compromise your physiological and psychological well-being as a demand feeder. Also, many people get very involved in their task at work or at home and do not want to interrupt their activity to go out to get food, thereby waiting too long to attend to their stomach hunger. Again, having your food bag by your side ensures that no matter what else you are doing, food is always easily available.
In addition to the importance of having food to eat at all times, a food bag is proof that you are taking very good care of yourself. Having the food around you, whether you eat from your food bag or not, will create calmness. People often realize the great importance of their food bags when, after carrying one for a consistent period of time, they neglect to bring one on a given day and notice an increase in their preoccupation with, and even anxiety about, food.
"What kinds of food should I put in my food bag?"
Anything and everything! Whatever kinds of food you are interested in and may want. Remember that the food bag is not meant only to have snacks to tide you over until you get what you really want. All foods should be considered as food bag possibilities -- lasagna, potatoes, sandwiches, cookies, yogurt, fruit, pizza, whatever appeals to you. If you are having trouble knowing what to put in your bag, imagine that someone else, a parent, partner, friend or even June Cleaver (Beaver's mom) is going to pack your bag for you! What would you have them put in? If your bag now becomes bountifully full, you will understand that the issue is not knowing what to put in your bag, but rather taking the time to do it for yourself.
"I'm too busy. It takes too much time to pack a food bag every morning."
Again, ask yourself whether you would carry a food bag if someone else would come in and pack it for you every day. Then, think about what it means to have to take the time to fill your food bag for yourself. Often, this act of caretaking is difficult because it actually does mean giving up the wish that someone else will do it for you. Certainly, there was a time in your life when you had the right to expect to be provided for in this kind of devoted and consistent way by a parent or caretaker. As an adult, you must now be both child in need and attuned parent to yourself. Saying "I'm too busy," is turning your back on yourself. Can you imagine leaving your home with an infant but no food packed for her and saying "She'll have to wait to eat until we get back"? Just as you would pack an infant or child's food supplies no matter how troublesome the task might seem, you need to take as good care of yourself. "I'm too busy" really means "I'm not worth the trouble." But you are!
"I feel too embarrassed to carry my food bag everywhere."
As women explore their problems about carrying a food bag, they often say "It attracts attention," "I feel ashamed of needing to have food with me" and "It makes me feel different." Try to explore the words you use to describe your problem with the food bag in the same way you would examine the language of a bad body thought. For example, is there is a broader issue about experiencing attention that makes you uncomfortable, with or without the food bag? What does the food mean symbolically? Is it an acknowledgment that you have needs which you intend to meet? Are there other needs or longings that feel difficult for you to acknowledge "out loud?"
It's true that we are taught very early that eating should be confined to particular times and particular places. And some folks may view you and your food bag as peculiar and out of line. What gets most people over the embarrassment hurdle is, once again, challenging some old assumptions by asking "Why should I hide my need for food?" and "Why should I wait to eat?" If you'll take the chance to be the first in your crowd to carry a food bag, we guarantee that you won't be the last. Those very people who at first looked askance will be glad you're around when they get hungry. Ask yourself what it feels like to challenge the destructive notion that women should not want food and should not eat it.
"When I carry my food bag with me, I eat all day and/or consume everything in it. If I don't have food around me, I don't eat -- which makes me feel better."
When you say that you don't eat because food is out of sight, you are fooling yourself. You are simply keeping your compulsion at bay. In fact, the more abundant your food supply, the less you'll need. If you repeatedly finish all the food in your food bag, or if a particular item keeps disappearing, it means you are not carrying enough and you need to carry a larger supply. You will know you are successful when, at the end of the day, you get home with your bag still quite full.
"Will I always have to carry all this food with me?"
The answer is yes and no. As foods stop glittering, you will not need the same amounts that you must initially surround yourself with as you legalize food. But you will always need and want to carry food with you. As you experience the delight of being able to eat whenever you are hungry, you will find that no matter how neutral food becomes, you would never want to be without it.
"No matter how much I pack, how can I guarantee that I will always have exactly what I want?"
It would be impossible to always have all the foods in the world that you could possibly want with you at all times. If you desire a food that is not in your food bag, such as an ice cream sundae, make every attempt to get that food by going to an ice cream store or restaurant that has the kind of sundae you want.
If however, you are hungry for a sundae but cannot possibly get to a place that carries this item, then you have to make a substitution. Only you can decide what, of all the food available to you in your food bag, will come the closest to what you want. If the ice cream appealed to you because of its texture, perhaps some yogurt or pudding will suffice. If what you wanted was a cold, refreshing taste, you may choose some fruit juice. You may decide to eat just enough of something to satisfy your stomach hunger at that moment until you can get to the ice cream sundae. It is up to you to determine the best way to meet your needs at a particular moment. The food bag guarantees that you will always have a way to respond to physiological hunger, which is essential for demand feeding.
Facing and exploring your obstacles to carrying a food bag and gently moving yourself to do so can have powerful results. One woman said, "My bag of shame and burden became a bag of courage and self-care." The food bag is a reminder that you are trying to feed yourself in an attuned and loving way and helps you do just that. As another woman said about her travels with a food bag, "I carry a suitcase to take care of my outside, and a food bag to take care of my inside!" At some point you won't want to leave home without it!
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Interview |
Carol Munter talks with Karen ZivanA Non-Dieter Describes Her Experiences |
Karen Zivan began attending our weekly workshops in New York four years ago. Karen is 56. She has worn many hats in her life, including teaching school and owning a gourmet cooking store. She is currently busy doing a lot of volunteer work and being the grandmother of five. Karen and I talked one afternoon about her experiences with non-dieting.
K: When I was growing up, the biggest discussion in my family was about fat. My mother and one of her sisters were large and their other sister was extremely large. They were always on diets. I'd go with them when they got their injections and pills from Dr. Bloom. By the time I was 11, I was on pills too. I see now that I was a large child, but not very fat. I don't remember my grandmother ever saying that I was too fat; my father also always accepted me as I was. My mother was a different story; she really wanted me to be different. She always criticized. As an adult, I'd hear her telling other people about the good things I did, but she never said those things to me. I think she was superstitious about saying good things, but it would have been nice.
I was never a rebellious kid. My mother would say I should diet and I would. She'd be doing the same thing. I always heard "You'll never get married. Men don't like fat women." Yet, that was confusing because my father never complained about her weight. But other than an occasional "Leave her alone," he also never intervened in her attempts to make me thin.
Despite all the hatred of fat in my mother and her sisters, dressing was always a big thing. My mother always wore nice clothes and I've always worn nice clothes. It used to be a struggle to find them, but I never wore tents.
C: So your father and your grandmother did not join in the general uproar about fat. And even your mother was inconsistent in that, fat or not, she allowed herself to dress well. Those kinds of inconsistencies make a difference. I think they pave the way for a different kind of thinking later on. What about your social life growing up?
K: My social life was average. I met my husband when I was 23 on a blind date. He's not small either. His family is stocky and it was never an issue. I kept on dieting after I got married -- I tried all of them. Growing up, I'd constantly go up and down a few pounds. When I graduated high school, I was a size 18 -- that was after a stint with the diet doctor. The yo-yo got bigger as I got older. I never came down to goal. If I was supposed to lose 40 pounds, I'd lose 30.
Given the social pressure of the corporate environment we lived in, I think my husband was happy when I would say that I was going to diet to lose the weight. During the last five years of our corporate life, I think he realized that my size was going to remain the same.
C: You've told me that you had stopped dieting before you moved to New York.
K: Two years before I moved here, I saw an ad in a Rochester newspaper about stopping binging and stopping drinking. A woman who'd been addicted to everything and had hit bottom put a lot of stuff together and was leading a group. At that point, I knew that the dieting and binging was killing my body. I hated never knowing whether I would be fat or thin come next season. I knew I had to do something other than diet. That group planted the seed. I stopped dieting and my weight stabilized. That came as a big surprise. When I was out, I'd still eat as if I were dieting -- "No thanks, no cake." Even at home, I was still categorizing foods as "good" or "bad." Some time after I came to New York I heard about Overcoming Overeating.
The book made sense to me, but it was very scary to go buy food. I knew I was going to have to negotiate with my husband. He didn't want food in the house for his own reasons and also because he didn't want me to eat it. It wasn't easy at the beginning. I kept my food in a separate cupboard, but it was hard for him to understand that it belonged to me. If he thought I wasn't going to finish what was on my plate, he'd take it. It took a long time for him to get used to the idea that I might want the food to just sit on the plate.
Not eating at mealtimes has been hard for me from the beginning and is still a problem. There's a lot of socialization to undo and there's still a lot of pressure. For a while I was working for my aunt, one of my mother's sisters, who has always struggled about being fat. If I went to eat something from my food bag, she'd give me a very hard time. I finally ended up going to the bathroom to eat and I hated it.
It's taken a long time for my husband to get used to my sitting with him while he eats but not eating myself. At this point, I'm better at being able to juggle my hunger so that it coincides with a mealtime if I decide I want to do that.
C: As I remember it, it was not only your husband's ambivalence about this approach that was hard for you, but you had to confront a close friend of yours as well.
K: That's right. One night, when the two couples were out for dinner, as I reached to put something on my plate, my friend said to me, "Do you really need that?" My friend is a lot younger than I. She was pregnant at the time and disturbed about gaining weight. It was clear to me that she didn't even want to sit near me that night and I knew I had to straighten it out.
C: What did you say to her?
K: I told her that I understood that she was upset about gaining weight, but that her anxiety had nothing to do with me. I told her, "This is my life; this is what I'm doing. If it bothers you to be in a restaurant with me, we'll have to socialize differently." I wanted her to understand that I wasn't going to change my ways for her. I asked her what she thought would be different if I lost 50 pounds. I'd still love her the same and do the same things for and with her. It would change my appearance and that's it. She was very surprised that I confronted her. It was the first time we'd had an uncomfortable situation between us.
C: It was a big thing to do.
K: It was early in the process, but I had a lot of confidence. I knew this was how I wanted to lead my life. It was something I really believed in. I felt that people I knew well should know what I'm about.
C: It sounds like your world did not make it easy for you to pursue this road. Given what you've said about always going along with your mother's agenda, how were you able to deal with so much external resistance?
K: At the same time I was doing this, I was developing more self-confidence. But it's true that I've always been the kind of person who needs a guideline, someone to say, "It's OK to do it this way." The fact that all this was written down was very helpful. I was also beginning to realize what I'd done to myself with the up-and-down yo-yo. I suppose it helped me that there was a lot about it in the media. I found that I could fight the pressure rather than give in to it. I could convince them that it was my way. They didn't have to like it or do it; they just had to respect my way.
C: If you were to point to what's really changed in these years, what would you say?
K: My attitude toward food. Also, for me, Overcoming Overeating has meant overcoming a lot of bad feelings about myself. It's made me personally a lot more self-confident.
I'm also much freer about my body. I couldn't believe that I chose to take off my bathing suit the night at the spa when we held the workshop at the pool. I used to want to hide my body even with my husband. I'm not ashamed of it anymore. I look in the mirror with some comfort now although I have a ways to go with that, with looking and being totally accepting.
I occasionally still have bad body thoughts and I have mouth hunger from time to time. Like yesterday. I was feeling crummy and I wanted to eat. I went to the store and stocked up. When I got home I was hungry and I ate exactly what I wanted. Later on I had mouth hunger and I ate and that was OK with me. I can't always get to what's bothering me, but I don't beat myself up about it.
C: What's happened to your size during these years?
K: Maybe I go up and down five pounds. I wear the same clothes from year to year. I've never had that before in my life. My husband uses the scale so it's still in the house. Occasionally it's tempting, but I think about it and then I don't get on. What good would it do? I'd be mad or glad. What's the point?
I've never been rejected by friends or people because of my weight, but, then again, I don't allow myself to get into situations where someone might make a comment. At times, when I've looked for work, I've been careful not to put myself in a position where I felt my size would be an issue, but I'm conflicted about it. I'd like to lead Overcoming Overeating groups and I think about what would happen if the leader's not thin.
C: What's been particularly helpful to you in this process?
K: The idea that you can eat what you want when you're hungry. You have to learn first to distinguish between stomach hunger and mouth hunger. Once you've figured that out, you're on your way. It has also been helpful to me to realize that thinness is the same thing as paying attention to what your stomach is saying. In other words, thinness is me minus my mouth hunger.
C: I'd like to sum up a little. I think it's useful to think about what makes it possible for someone to make the kinds of radical shifts that are necessary in this approach to compulsive eating.
It seems to me that even with the anti-fat barrage in your family, there was enough dissent to allow you at least to have some sense that large was not necessarily bad. You felt good enough about yourself to feel entitled to a relationship with someone who was not fat-phobic in any major way.
Later on, you were able to look at your own evidence vis-à-vis dieting, take your distress seriously and allow yourself to be enticed by an ad that promised another route. Still later, the book gave you more validation for what you already knew to be the case and supported you in challenging the resistance you encountered. Your story shows us what happens when someone knows what's right for her and has just enough self-respect to be able to use the support that's out there in order to buck the tide. Thanks!
© Copyright 1994, The National Center for Overcoming Overeating
Contributors retain all rights to their work. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without written permission from the National Center for Overcoming Overeating, P.O. Box 1257, Old Chelsea Station, New York, NY 10113-0920.
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