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TOPIC: Terrified

Terrified 30 Nov 2012 17:00 #261

  • wendy1984
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Hi my name is Wendy, I'm 28 and I live in Scotland. I'm new to this forum, in fact I have never written in any kind of forum ever but there's a first for everything I guess!

I have struggled with a fear of food since I was very young, all these years I've hated my body, starved myself, binged, avoided foods (and social events that involved food), purged, deprived myself, punished myself and weighed myself religiously. This is not something people close to me are aware of, to everyone else I am a confident, happy and independent individual which is true, unless food is involved. I regularly have to speak in front of hundreds of people for my job, I've recently been travelling in various parts of the world alone and made loads of friends, I'm sociable and there's nothing I wouldn't try but I am also a person who has lied to get out of social events because there would be a buffet, stayed at home on birthdays/new year/xmas so I wouldn't have to face food and taken my morning showers in the dark so I wouldn't have to see my body. I could travel across Australia alone with no fear yet if I weighed a pound or two heavier when I jumped on those scales I was an inconsolable wreck, I can't describe the panic and fear I felt at those times.

I read the OO book about three months ago and I now carry it with me every day. I began legalizing foods (foods i haven't eaten in years) and although I haven't totally stopped weighing myself I have gone from daily weigh ins to every 6 weeks. I've been focusing on stomach hunger and doing really well and my obsessive fear of food has reduced to almost nothing. The fear I felt initially was horrendous, I have never felt fear like it. However this has also reduced and is gradually going away. My life around food is so different now, I enjoy my food, something I have NEVER EVER experienced and now when I over eat I can see it as a sign that I need compassion not punishment. However this week I have legalized another much loved food I haven't eaten in years and I'm so ashamed with the amount I have eaten. I know I need to be kind to myself but my fear of weight gain is all I can think about.
Although I'm surrounded by wonderful friends/family none of them understand this process and they are all very much drawn towards the diet mentality that I'm trying to avoid. I suppose that's why I joined this forum, I feel I need to speak to people who "get it" I believe in this process I really do but its so different to anything else out there it feels quite isolating as well. I'm trying so hard to keep this up but I can feel the fear returning, I feel like I'm going backwards and maybe I feel I should be better at all this by now. :(
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Re: Terrified 07 Feb 2013 00:50 #339

  • RetiredSue
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Gosh, I'm sorry no one has posted a reply to you. :(

I totally understand how you feel because I, too, share that fear.
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The following user(s) said Thank You: wendy1984

Re: Terrified 09 Feb 2013 15:53 #340

  • FindingMe
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I'm new to this as well, thank you for being brave and sharing. I think i need to read the book you read because I have similar fears and want to learn how to fight back the tears sometimes. Every morning when I wake up I jump on the scale, not to see if I lost any weight but to pray that I did not gain an ounce. I love hosting dinner parties and feeding people and but the moment everyone leaves I'm eating the leftovers until my belly hurts. I just want to know why and how I can stop punishing my body with these emotional erges to fill the whole in me.
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Re: Terrified 06 Mar 2013 13:43 #353

  • jackibar
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FindingMe wrote:
I'm new to this as well, thank you for being brave and sharing. I think i need to read the book you read because I have similar fears and want to learn how to fight back the tears sometimes. Every morning when I wake up I jump on the scale, not to see if I lost any weight but to pray that I did not gain an ounce. I love hosting dinner parties and feeding people and but the moment everyone leaves I'm eating the leftovers until my belly hurts. I just want to know why and how I can stop punishing my body with these emotional erges to fill the whole in me.

Hi, FindingMe... Please try to avoid jumping on the scale to determine your worth!! So many of us let a stupid piece of metal machinery tell us our value - and all it does is make us want to "punish" ourselves even more...!!! We're trying to break FREE from that kind of yelling at ourselves.

As far as eating all the leftovers... My first suspicion would be that you're not allowing yourself to eat those foods whenever you want them - which causes you to binge on them whenever you finally do get around them. If you haven't read Overcoming Overeating yet - please do!!! It walks you step by step through the process of breaking free from the trap of all this. If you have already read it, then I highly recommend the next book for the journey - When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies - it goes even deeper!! Both books can be ordered through this web site. Just go to the Menu buttons at the top and click on Resources > Books

Hang in there, and keep posting!
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Re: Terrified 06 Mar 2013 13:45 #354

  • jackibar
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Hi, Wendy - thanks for your post and sharing your fears as you go through this experience...! Please update us on how you're doing now - are you calming down any about the approach? Do remember this is a journey (a process) - and it does take time, but just hang in there and it will get better!
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Re: Terrified 25 Mar 2013 16:41 #364

  • oolala53
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Wendy, some people find "freedom" sooner than others for whatever reasons. I don't think you should think you're supposed to have fast success with every food you try. I overeat far fewer foods than I used to. That's acceptable to me. You don't want to start using this program as just another way to feel you aren't fitting the right image.
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Re: Terrified 18 Apr 2013 19:41 #393

  • revamh
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Yes, it is a process. I have been 'working it' since the book came out in 1989. I never could have imagined how far I've come. Over time there have been times of mouth hunger and yes, at times, some weight gain early on. I kept buying replacements when I ate a lot of something. At some point we all have to decide whether we want to do this for ourselves or whether we want to fall back into the restrictions and torment of diets. Most of us land here in the first place because diets weren't working and/or we were tortured about our bodies and our relationship with food. What the OO method offers is true freedom from weight obsession, a comfortable relationship with food, and body acceptance. Please hang in there - it's worth it!
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Little less terrified 23 Apr 2013 16:49 #398

  • wendy1984
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I just want to thanks to everyone who has responded and maybe give others who were in my "terrified" place a little hope. I stayed with the terrified feeling and I'm really doing much better! I'm not going to lie I have my bad days sometimes bad weeks and I'm still weighing myself every 6/8 weeks or so but considering I was doing it daily before I'm proud of that. I still binge from time to time but just as the book says I now understand it and have compassion and I eat less than I ever did during a binge because of that. It's now clue that something's going on and I try to deal with the issue itself. Sometimes I still eat but it doesn't have the same control over me or the same feelings of guilt afterwards. This book has changed my life and I know it will be a long process, a lot of tears and a lot of mistakes and starting again but the main thing is that I'm trying to teach myself a life skill from scratch that I've never been able to do before. It's really tough some days and other days its total freedom. So for those of you who are still terrified have faith in yourself and keep going, we all deserve better x
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